Hey gang, Valkor here. And this has been a pretty sweet week in film reviews, even though most of the films weren't so hot. And for the month of April, I don't see that trend stopping anytime soon. While I'm sure I'll find gold in a few films that are in my review pile, the rest won't make it through my breakdown unscathed. Case in point and next up on the chopping block is "Nobody Gets Out Alive" and I'm just gonna come out and say it… the film pretty much sucks. Read on if you so desire but prepare for some spoilers.
Nobody Gets Out Alive centers on a group of friends – starting with recently released from a hospital Jenn (Jen Dance), Mike (Shaun Paul Costello), Michele (Chelsey Garner), Danny (Matthew Nadu), Angie (Nikki Bell), Deron (David J. Bonner), and whacked out of his mind friend Jared (Chris Ready), all of whom are about to embark on a camping trip, a sort of getaway if you will. Little do they know… well actually they may know more than they let on, that the camp area that they're about to visit is actually linked to an urban legend of a man whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver. And now that man, known as Hunter Isth (Brian Gallagher), kills everyone and anyone who enters that area. Needless to say these guys are about to have a bad night as one by one the group gets slaughtered by Hunter Isth. Will anyone live to survive this deadly night?
After watching this film… I don't even care. Nobody Gets Out Alive is play-by-the-numbers slasher horror reminiscent of films such as Friday the 13th or Halloween. Except those films are, you know, good. There's even an old guy that warns them about going into the woods and of course they don't listen. And I should have listened to my gut and not watched this film...
Nobody Gets Out Alive actually has some pretty gruesome moments and a decent level of gore. Watching one dude get a nail to the skull or a chick get beaten with a brick was cringe worthy. However after that…
Yup there's really nothing else that can save this film from the depths of the dollar bin; the film has a solid plot, but its executed rather poorly. For starters let's look at the beginnings of Hunter Isth; The dude goes mad after his daughter was killed by a drunk driver right? But she was playing hopscotch in the street! If she were hit on the side of the road I'd have more sympathy for her, but playing in the street? Well that's just bad parenting. Next is Hunter Isth first killings, which takes place in a convenience store; it's so uncalled for and unexpected. I can understand the "why" (because they sell the alcohol), but I felt it was unnecessary. Not only that but Jenn and her group just walk in and take advantage of the place, even though there's clearly blood splattered everywhere as soon as they walk in! Next is the confrontation between Jared, Deron, Michael and Danny vs. these two stoners Bulk and Skull… oops I mean Brandon (Noam Harary) and Tim (Joe Gariffo); Jared asks one of the guys if they had any weed and shit gets all confrontational. However the two dudes show up later at the campsite to share a beer with the group, after that they vanish and are never heard from again. Were they killed or what? Why introduce them if there's no point to their characters? Next is the speech Hunter Isth gives that goes on waaaaaay too long. Here's the thing, we know the motivations of Hunter Isth, and so we didn't need his speech reaffirming his actions. One more? How about Michele's reaction to getting her leg sawed into? Weak screams and no thrashing. It's like that scene in Farmhouse where the woman gets a cheese grater to the knee. Ya gotta put some feeling into that. Finally there's that ending; Jenn is the sole survivor of the Hunter Isth massacre and she makes her way to the side of the road where an unknown driver picks her up. At the back the dude's car – tools similar to what Hunter Isth uses. Is he Hunter Isth? Last we saw him, Jenn had stabbed him in teh heart (or the gut) and he dropped dead. If he survivded that... I don't even... So is this a "to be continued"? maybe. I hope not. I could go on but then I might as well detail the entire film. It's really that bad.
After Jared suddenly goes missing the group go to look for him. Unsuccessful, they head into town and return to a messed up campsite. Angie suddenly disappears and the remainder gets in a car that won't start (shocker, I know). Angie's bloody body appears on the windshield, girls are screaming and yet the guys are telling them to "shut the fuck up". What? They just watched their friend get her neck snapped. Fuck "shut the fuck up", I say "run bitches! Run!"
The Even Dumber:
That title; the original title was called "Down the Road" and trutheshly? I liked that title better.
As weak as the scene was, Michele getting her leg sawed was pretty gruesome.
Don't waste your time with "Nobody Gets Out Alive"; it really isn't anything special, totally boring and filled with so many goofy moments that its more laughable than scary. If you're looking for something chilling yet entertaining… look elsewhere. As it stands, No One Gets Out Alive gets 1 star out of TOV 5.