Hey folks, Valkor here. And I sit through the cheese so you don’t have to. But in the case of my next film review, you might wanna grab a few friends, some brews, pop this film in your DVD and enjoy. You get tons of action, a little romance, and loads of scenes to make fun of. That isn’t to say that “Mask of the Ninja” is a bad film, but it’s so bad that it’s good. Really good!
The plot for Mask of the Ninja is quite simple; Takeo (Dana Lee), CEO of Takeo industries is attacked and killed in his home by a group of ninjas looking for... something. What it is, we don’t learn until later in the film. The only survivor of the attack is his daughter Miko (Kristy Wu), whom before the shit went down tried to call her boyfriend. But the dude was too busy getting arrested. Police Officer Jack Barrett (Casper Van Dien) intercepts the call and heads to the house only to face off with a ninja… and lives. We learn that Takeo left something with his daughter and now it’s up to Jack to investigate what the hell is going on and what the daughter could be hiding that caused all this death. Along the way he’ll meet with Hirohito (Anthony Brandon Wong), the Takeo family protector. Though where he was when the ninjas first attacked is beyond anyone. But he’s there now and the ninja clan, Kokoshibiyu won’t give up until they have what they want. Will Jack find out what Miko is hiding? Can Hirohito be trusted? Will the Ninjas get what they want? And will we see naked breast throughout all this? You gotta watch the film to answer all these questions.
But you know what this film really could have used? Ninja fuckin Turtles… yea Ninja Turtles.
Masked of the Ninja, as a film, feels about right. It has a late 80’s, early 90’s kinda feel to it; from the acting to the look, even the music, all screams late 80’s cheese. I love it! And how can you hate on a film flooded with ninjas hackin and slashin up the place? Answer: You can’t! That’s what makes the film watchable, they’re the reason you wanna sit through a film called “mask of the Ninja”. My first impression when the film started, took me back to the Dudakoff films and I’m like “white guy wants revenge and learns the way of the Ninja”. NOPE! Not here. The story is about finding out what Miko is hiding and Jack gets his ass served to him every other scene. So the plot is cheesy but good, action is nice, and the women are nicer. Yea you get some fine ass in this flick. This hacker is getting a massage and just as he’s about to get a “happy ending” his masseuse pops her top and BOING!!! Nuff said.
Jack's shirt before...
... Jack's shirt after. Pwned!
Wow… just… Wow… where to begin. Ok to start the acting is bad; laughably bad. It’s totally 80’s old school kinda acting. And Miko aka Kristy Wu, yea she’s hot as hell, but come on! Who the hell wrote her role? Dude she starts out this wimpy, cryin innoncent chick and in the end she actually has some skill? WHAT!!? The ninjas capture her and what do they use to tie her hands? PLASTIC WRAP! I’m not kidding! And my favorite “bad” is the scene where the ninjas attack a police station… in broad day light… and they kill just about EVERYBODY! Also the editing during the fight scenes are pretty choppy and the camera gets too close. Think Batman Begins but with longer fight scenes. Finally the ending; it’s one of those open ending that could lead to a sequel. And hey, if it leads to another picture I’m for it: more ninjas, more action, more Asian naked breast, and maybe… ninja turtles???
Chief Garver (Robert Gant) getting the Bobbitt Treatment; I know it’s off camera, but YOW that’s nasty!
Mask of the Ninja is my kinda no brainer of a film filled with action, blood, and cheesy acting. The story isn’t much and that ending is just a cop out, but overall you’ll have loads of fun. Out of TOV 5 stars, I’m givin Masked of the Ninja 3 stars and it’s been Valkor tested and TOV approved.
Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!