Hey folks Valkor here and if you were once like me, an avid television watcher, then you know television isn’t what it used to be due to the fact there isn’t really much to watch. Sure there are some hits out there like “House” “Smallville” or “24”, but mostly television is bogged down with a ton of reality shows that to me aren’t really reality. Take for instance, “The Bachelor”. It’s a show about a rich dude who gets to choose from 25 women (maybe more I’m not sure) to be his wife. *yawn*. The dude makes out like a bandit because he gets to date/grope/swoon/whatever to these hot women. And the hot women (yes I will admit they are hot) try their best to win his heart, doing whatever it takes to become the rich man’s wife. Then there’s “Survivor”, stickin people on an island to “survive” whatever elements or competition that exist. Hey how is it surviving when you’re surrounded by camera/ stunt crews and what not? I mean no one has ever died on survivor right? What about a serious injury or loss of limb, does that ever happen? Has anyone ever lost a limb? And don’t get me started with shows like “Joe Millionaire” or “Who wants to date my Dad” just… don’t get me started. So I’ve come up with a solution that makes reality TV really, really… well reality. Let’s put me, the Val-man, in charge of making reality shows and I’ll give you something not only entertaining and worth watching, but also more realistic than Tyra Banks boobs. (Her boobs are real right? Didn’t she admit that in one of those late breaking, interrupt <enter your favorite show here> reports?) Ah well, here’s Valkor’s reality TV.

Glory Hole Roulette

Definitely a pay per view event, but I think with the name alone millions would fork over the bucks to tune in. Premise: We get 5 - 10 dudes to slip their pickles into an assortment of holes punched into these cardboard walls: 50 in all. The best part is; anything can be on the other side. ANYTHING! Could be a woman, could be a man, could be a ravenous dog, a dude with a hammer, or a huge open paper shredder, or it could be nothing at all. But we the viewers would know and we wait in suspense as the men hesitantly drop trou and go for the gusto to be pained or pleasured. The men have to plug 5 holes and after each plug we switch all the shit around so nothing is in the same place. Think about it, one guy sees another guy with a smile on his face and he’s gettin nothing, well he would wanna try that same hole right? Ha, the jokes on him as on the other side there’s a starving pitbull. We’d get the “Press your luck” whammies in there as well so that every time someone gets the bad hole, they walk by on-screen ridiculing the guys bad luck. Our host would be none other than Ryan Seacrest! Winner who walks away with their Peter intact gets a huge cash prize. The Loser… well… uhmmm…. we can take care of their medical bills? I guess?

Who Wants to Marry a Quadriplegic?

I know this is mean, I know I will get email for this. But come on, these limbless guys and gals need some lovin too. 25 women or 25 men would vie for the heart of a lonely, appendage-limited wonders of a man or woman. The script practically rights itself and it’s an instant win for an Emmy, because you know the women are gonna go all soft over this poor guy who hasn’t a leg to stand on or hands to applaud. And we would also get an AVN award because you just know the men would do it just for the freaky sex they can have with a woman like that. We show everything, and I mean everything, until the final rose is handed out. Then we cover the wedding days from the beginning until the “I do’s”. And the weddings would be lavish because think of the money we’ll save on the dresses and tuxes alone on our bride and groom. And why stop at the wedding? Why not wedding night? Choosing a house? Raising a baby? My mind is flooding with ideas!!

Pimps Up; Ho’s down: The Reality Show

You’ve all seen the HBO specials and we all have our opinions on the show. It’s either great television or a warning to stay off that path. Me personally, I love watching it and that’s what brings me to my next reality series. Here’s the Premise: We take an average guy and an average gal and we set em out on separate paths, in the crummiest neighborhoods that exist in America to survive as a Pimp and a Prostitute. The guy has to create a stable, get the girls, and well do his pimpin bidness. And the girl would simply have to turn tricks out on the street and do it anywhere she or the john pleases. (Whatever it takes to make that money ho’) They must also keep a daily video dairy telling us how they feel about the whole situation, or updating us on what’s going on other than what we see on TV, we want the emotional side. After say 6 months, the one who makes the most money wins a million bucks and they get to keep the money they earned. Get an STD? You’re eliminated. There’s a three strike rule when it comes to arrest and drugs are a no-no. We get that guy who did the HBO shows of the same name, to do the announcements and open each show with that rhyming speech he does. We get Marv Albert and O.J. Simpson for additional commentary. Or better yet: You ever see that Japanese show MXC on Spike TV? (I know I know, no one really watches Spike TV, but you had to have flipped through once in awhile to catch this show.) We import those guys from Japan and bring in the English dub actors! Fun for all!! Is pimpin easy? We will soon find out.

Iron Chef: Homeless edition

Yea we’ve all watched the Iron Chef whether it be the Japanese or English version. And they make some pretty wacky shit on that show using just about any ingredients they happen to have in the kitchens. Don’t you think it would be a lot of fun if we set up an alley way, fill it with trash from different restaurants, toss in a bunch of homeless guys and watch them make a meal of it, all in thirty minutes? Think of it; half eaten, dog-doo covered sandwich with cigarette butt soda, followed by bug infested twinkies? Mmmmm. Or Maggot-ridden steak, with a side of wilted veggies, followed by a glass of liquid culled from drops of stuff from different empty liquor bottles and cans, ending with stale cake dessert? *drool, drool*. Finally, to make things really interesting, we bring in the winners of “Fear Factor” to eat these delicacies for a chance to win $50,000. Hey if they can eat bull penis, they can eat some homeless dude’s culinary delight. Winning Chefs get one night in a fancy hotel all expense paid. And we film all that too!! Watch as they shower, shave, dine and order pay per view, basically living it up for a day. Then we get to see em tossed back onto the streets to live out the rest of their miserable lives. Can you say ratings winner? I think people are so sadistic that millions upon millions would tune in just to watch that final day when the hotel manager says “You’re outta here!!”

Prisoners in Iraq

The show to end all shows and it’s on all day, everyday. This would instantly be the highest rated show ever in the history of television. Hell no one would watch anything else. You guys watch the news right? You see what’s going on over in Iraq. It’s total chaos, man. People are getting killed, soldiers are getting killed, rebels are… well killing themselves. It’s chaos!!! Here’s the thing, I’m sick of our American soldiers dying for a cause they shouldn’t be dying over. However the prisons are filled with heads that are well on their way out life’s door and into Satan’s heated embrace. Or they’ll just be locked away decades upon decades. I mean honestly, what’re they really doing in prison anyway? Sure they’re locked away from us “normies” but what are they really doing? Eating, sleeping, working out, and participating in the occasional anal rape of an inmate. Here’s my premise: One by one, day after day we drop off prisoners (Men and women, why discriminate) into different parts of Iraq, onto different drop zones with nothing but the shirts on their backs and that’s it. And we do it with flare too, WWE style, showing their picture and rap sheet, giving them their own theme music and everything. Once they land, they then have to find their own food, shelter, water and shit to survive. And they can do whatever the hell they want to get it. We have hidden cameras everywhere and we implant tracking chips inside them so we know where they are wherever they are. We watch there every movement, every kill, and every explosion if and when it happens. Their goal is to make it to a designated escape area, only we don’t tell them how to find it, but we can leave clues everywhere. The person who makes it to the escape zone wins a shit load of money and their freedom on some tropical island (that is dependent on what they had to endure), or we drop em back into society (after some rehabilitation). We can run it for months or years even because we Americans can never get enough of violence on television. And what a great deterrent for kids NOT to go to jail, because look where they can end up?  Who could ask for anything more? Everyone wins!! Our soldiers are safe. What about the Oil? Hell we shouldn’t be using their oil anyway and getting more into newer forms of fuel. The only losers would be the people of Iraq, but hey they’re on the verge of civil war anyway and their whole way of life could get wiped out in a heartbeat. So why not right? I say Fuck WWE and that fake crap they call entertainment. Bring on the pain with PII! Yes it can happen and Valkor would make it possible!!

Lets face it folks, Reality TV paints too pretty of a picture for me and for a lot of people to just sit and watch. And that’s why a lot of it is wrong, and yet we fuel that fire by watching it no matter how much of a joke it really is or how real it “really” isn’t. If we’re gonna do reality TV, let’s do it right. Approach the average Joe schmoe or plain jane and get them on there. And don’t just go to suburbia America, hit the ghettos and backwaters too. Let’s put back the real in REALITY and get the fake crap off the air.

Oh ya if there is anyone who’s taking my take on reality shows seriously, get a life, it’s just jokes. We’re here to just have a laugh or two. However the Prisoners in Iraq show… that has potential.