Hey gang, Valkor here. If there’s one thing that’ll get me to watch any film, good or bad, it’s definitely the title; Films like Tactical Force, Ultimate Justice, or Battle of the Damned sucked me right in and I took whatever consequences that came with it. Thankfully, those films were awesome. Now this next film up on the TOV chopping block, Aquaslash, has an impressive title, but that’s where it stops. And as it stands, it wasn’t worth the watch.
Aquaslash focuses on a group of teens who are embarking on a wet and wild weekend at a water park complete with an 80s rock cover band, sex, and drugs. Unfortunately for some, they won’t make it to see their entry into college as someone has set up a trap in the middle of one of the slide tubes that will slice up anyone that comes into their contact. Who’s responsible? You won’t know until the very end. But even before that, the film spends much of its time delving into teen drama, the buying and selling of the park, this guy likes this girl who has an aggressive boyfriend so you know it’s gonna go down and all sorts of shenanigans, none of which builds towards anything that leads to the film’s bloody finale. And when you get to the actual event, well… it was messy, but that’s about it.
I’ll give Aquaslash a little credit as it has an 80s vibe to it; From the name of the school to the typical characteristics of the students (slutty girls, douchy jocks, kind of nerdy rock band), and tons of terrible acting, all of which paint the perfect 80s cheese. But is it so perfect that it’s worth a sit through? Let’s find out in the TOV Breakdown.
The Good:
Other than the title, the ending should have made this 71 minute trek worth the watch. But, to me, that fell flat. Sorry, not sorry, it really wasn’t worth a damn. Oh, and for the couple of minutes that the band played, I thought they were rockin!
The Bad:
But no, seriously, it wasn’t worth a damn. You’d think with all these students walking around all living and shit, you’d see a bunch of them dying before the murderous main event. But no, you have to sit through all this useless filler before you even get there. It would all make sense if it leads to something, but I wound up not caring, wanting to see bodies hit the floor. But it doesn’t happen enough. You get two at the beginning and one before the slide mess and that’s it. Then you get to the film’s climax, which left me disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, anyone that goes down the slide will get diced–and it’s messy. However, when it happens, it’s just… an uneventful mess.
The Ugly:
N/A
I wanted to love Aquaslash, I really did, but I ended up disappointed. The title is awesome and razor blades in a water slide sounds like a horrific delight. But, to me, the film ultimately falls flat. And with that, I’m giving Aquaslash 1 out of TOV 5 stars.
