Hey folks, Valkor here. And I welcome you to TOV's "30 in 30", where I'll review 30 unique film and maybe some not so unique, all in 30 days. What's cool for most of the flicks, is that I know nothing about em. So this should be a real treat not just for you guys, but for me as well. Good or bad, this is gonna be a fun month. It all starts today July the 4th and ends on Aug the 3rd. Can I make it through? We'll know soon enough!
Ok for this next review, we're gonna take things off the beaten path and try something a little different... scratch that... a LOT different. I'm gonna give it my best and actually review... a porno. Not just any porno, but one all of us comic books geeks can appreciate simply for the execution - I'm talking Batman XXX: A Porn Parody.
Let me just point out first and foremost that TOV does not cover porn, nor do we post full nudes… partial nudes, yes. But full-on nudes? Never! And anything triple X? It ain't happening. So why am I reviewing a XXX feature? As part of the 30 in 30 I did say that I would cover many different genres. Also, I am a huge fan of Batman in all forms from comics, to films, even video games. So why not check out a porno based off a classic, iconic series?
Batman XXX pits the dynamic duo against the likes of The Joker, The Riddler and Catwoman, as Batman attempts to save Bruce Wayne's girlfriend from their evil clutches. The film begins with Bruce and Dick playing chess, whilst his girlfriend is busy getting kidnapped by Riddler… within the Wayne household. Commissioner Gordon calls up on "The Red Phone" to inform Batman of this dilemma. And the dynamic duo are off (to the batpoles robin!). Their first stop is an apartment building with a discotheque at the top; which gives the caped crusaders the chance to perform the famous (or infamous however you may look at it) rope climb, with the obligatory cameo. And in this case – Ron Jeremy appears. From there the Caped Crusaders split up, leaving Batman to handle the club, meeting up with one of the Riddler's gals, a girl named Molly. After sipping on a glass of grapefruit juice, Batman is asked to dance, hitting the floor with the Batusi. But the juice was drugged and now the Dark Knight is hostage to Molly. Meanwhile Robin alerts the commissioner of these new events and in walks Batgirl to offer a hand. She and Robin scale another building that we find out is the Joker's Lair. When they arrive they spot the Joker chatting with Catwoman discussing their plans when the Riddler arrives. After Catwoman and Joker split off, both Batgirl and Robin are suddenly captured leaving no one to save any of them from the criminals clutches. As everyone is gathered in the Joker's main chamber, it is here where he decides to kill everyone, but Catwoman has a change of heart; she frees Batman who in turn frees the others. A big fight breaks out, which includes action balloons with almost every punch, kick, or throw and in the end all is well… Or so we think! There is a cliffhanger – Though Catwoman did save the dynamic duo, they in turn still want to arrest her. So as she walks away to "freshen up" she sets off a trap, netting them first and then the gas! Is this the end of our Caped Crusaders?
I HOPE SO!! You know in keeping a film review that's based off of a porn parody this clean, I deserve some sort of reward. Now before we get into the heart of this review, I'd like to address something. It is in my opinion and I am sure that most men will agree – porn does not need a plot. Period! It's a total waste of time and completely pointless. Porn has no surprises because no matter what the situation, we know what's gonna happen and we know the end results. I say just get on with the action so I can move on to other things. But I will say this – I give credit to the guys behind Batman XXX because it shows some ambition. The attention to detail is amazing… in the costumes only because they look like the originals worn by Adam West and co.
And now… Let's get busy!
The Good:
Other than the costumes looking like the originals (maybe they are, I don't feel like investigating), there's not much to be said because its porn! I will say one thing, concerning the story parts, the actors did look like they were having fun. Dale DaBone as Bruce/Bats, nice job keeping in line with your Adam West counterpart; the same can be said for James Deen as Robin, who nicely delivers the "Holy…, Batman" lines with grace. Kudos also goes to Tori Black as Catwoman, who simply had to be sexy; and that didn't look too hard for her. Also to be commended are Jack English as Commissioner Gordon, and Lexi Belle who is just so damn cute as Batgirl. This isn't A+ acting, not even in the lower B's, but it's fun to watch. Finally, the geek in me enjoyed all the little touches given to the production – The Batmobile, the red phone, the rope climb cameos, action balloons, and even the Batusi was pretty cool. So not bad… however…
The Bad:
IT'S. TOO. DAMN. LONG! Why the hell is this film 2 hours long? Are you kidding me! Hmmm….. 30 minutes of story and 1hr and 30 minutes of sex; think we could have chopped that down a bit considering… you know… most guys won't make it past the first sex scene to care about the rest of the film? Randy Spears as the Joker - Needed a little more chuckling, dude. You shouldn't have to think of Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger, Cesar Romero is what you're playing up to, and you need to be more maniacal, more twisted. Finally, when did The Riddler ever have a speech impediment?
The Ugly:
The fact that I actually watched the entire film! All two hours of it! It was a long and arduous two hours but I pulled it through!
The huh?:
Did we really need that cliffhanger ending?
Overall, if you're looking for some cheese with your porn, then definitely give Batman XXX: A Porn Parody a try, especially if you're a fan of the Adam West series. The story is pretty generic and had this been a ½ hour shorter, I think I would have enjoyed it more. But as it stands, out of TOV 5 stars, I give Batman XXX: A Porn Parody 2.5 stars.
Question of the day: Do you think Vivid will get sued for using the names and likenesses of famous DC characters, especially given the current state of The Batman series in comics and films?