Hey folks, Valkor here. Every time I think I'm not ever gonna go in a certain direction, something turns up that makes it happen. Case in point, pornography; I did the Batman XXX simply because it was fun. I did Peng Chang because I thought the story was interesting. And now I come to "I Am Virgin", a spoof of the film "I Am Legend" that's written and directed by Sean Skelding, a film I thought was a raunchy comedy. Turns out, it's not funny. It's not funny one bit. But damn there's a lot of sex.
I Am Virgin revolves around Robby (Adam Elliot Davis), last survivor of a virus that turns people into sex crazed vampires. And those that didn't turn into a vampire, died after having sex with the vampires. Well Robby hasn't had sex with any vampires… or anyone for that matter because Robby is a virgin. His parents instilled into him that having sex before marriage is bad. And well, Robby is determined to follow that rule. So he spends each day going searching houses and buildings looking for survivors, only each time he does it he finds vampires having sex.
And that's the movie. No blood, no gore, no twist endings, no climatic chase scenes. For 1hr and 34min. we watch Robbie spend each day entering buildings and finding vampires copulating. Sure the scenery is changed each time (Hospital, sex shop, abandoned factory, etc), but it all goes like this – Robbie finds a place, goes in, WITH A GUN IN HAND, searches the places, finds the vampires, the vampires are having sex, they spot Robby, he runs off crying, goes home and does a video blog about not having sex, but he wants to. Next day, repeat.
But Robby really wants to have sex; he's tired of being a virgin. Finally he meets a friendly vampire who goes by the name Paul (Ron Jeremy), who tells him he can have sex with the vampires and not be turned or die so long as you feel right about it – you can't have any guilt. And with new found gusto, Robby sets off to get some poon. And when faced with finally freeing himself of all his pent up sexual frustrations, he ultimately decides to wait until he finds the right girl, before he gives up his man cherry. The End.
Waste of time? I'd say so.
Billy, Robby's sidekick bloodhound. Yea… that sounds about right. All he has to do is be a dog and well, that's not so bad. Oh and some of the X-rated sex scenes were ok to watch, though I can watch triple XXX at any time and that'd be more fun.
Man oh man where do we start. First off, with a story about vampires, we don't get any blood. So are they bloodthirsty vampires or vampires who need sex to survive? I'm guessing sex, but don't hold me to that. Second, whenever Robby enters a building, he's carrying a weapon… but doesn't use it. So why have him carry a gun in the first place? The vampires would be standing right in front of him, but Robby just runs by with no resistance. Finally the story is about Robby, who is determined to follow his parent's wishes and not have sex until he finds that someone special…. Buuuut… most everyone is dead, only people who are left are sex hungry vampires… Yea, I think it's ok to break that rule, especially now that the rules have changed and there aren't that many options out there.
Having to sit through 1hr and 34min. of this… Painful… just painful!
So essentially I Am Virgin is a softcore porn romp into the world of vampirism… sorta, but most definitely the film ranks as one of the worst films I've ever seen. Total tripe and other than the sex scenes, it really isn't worth watching. Out of TOV 5 stars, I give I Am Virgin 1 ½ stars.