Hey gang, Valkor here. I've sat through my share of dumb and really bad films; but this next film up on the TOV MediaView chopping block – Klippers - ranks as one of THE DUMBEST films I've had the displeasure of watching. And just when I thought nothing could top “3 Knee Deep”. Now, we have a new contender!
Klippers kicks things off with a man named Charles (Robert Pralgo), who recently broke up with his girlfriend Clara (Libby Blanton). Unfortunately for Clara, Charles hasn't gotten over her and really wants her back. But Clara isn't having it. So as payback for her rejection, Charles hires a hitman to take her out. The hitman, Steven (Ofu Obekpa), brings along some issues of his own. It would seem he has run up quite a debt in the form of a half-million dollars to a crime boss named Smith (Kevin Nash). Smith corners Steven and gives him an ultimatum – he has 24 hours to get him his money or else. Which brings us back to Charles and Clara. Charles hires Steven to kill Clara. But instead of killing her, Steven falls in love with her. And that brings about an entirely new batch of problems!
I guess Charles got wind of the new love affair because he hired another hitman to take out Clara, who while the two are asleep. Steven suddenly awakens to see the killer walk up and he believes he is the target. arrives just as Steven suddenly awakens alongside Clara. And soon it becomes a standoff at the staircase, with Clara and Steven upstairs holding a gun that has limited ammo. And the assassin is downstairs, who is armed to the teeth yet he can't seem to gain any sort of advantage. Even when a neighbor and Clara's best friend stop by, are held hostage, and eventually killed, the two hold their ground. It's only when Clara's sister shows up that it truly gets confrontational and with the quickness the assassin is dispatched.
But that's not the end of the story as there's still Smith and Charles, who need to be dealt with. And within a matter of minutes before the end credits, Charles takes them both out and he and Clara go on to live a happy life... I assume. But I find it odd that she would choose to be with him even after all that. Like, Steven didn't just put your life in danger, got your neighbor and best friend killed, and your sister nearly faces a bullet. But, no go ahead, run away and live “happily ever after” with the man responsible for all that trauma. Fuck outta here!!
The Good:
N/A
The Bad:
Klippers is the kind of film you get when you attempt to throw everything into the wind, hope for the best, and it turns into a hideous mess. The film is not just bad, it's laughably bad! I doubt there's anything in this film that's intentionally funny, but there were too many instances where I couldn't help but laugh. The plot is pretty sound and not uncommon. But what you ultimately end up with overall fails to entertain. What started the downward spiral was the 24-hour ultimatum that went well beyond that. I get it, Steven and Clara had to get together for the story's sake. But then why not stretch out Smith's threat to like two or three days to match with the Steven/Clara hook up montage? Next, and this is the laughably bad part, but a bulk of the film literally takes place between a staircase. The two opposing forces argue up and down this staircase, in Clara's house, occasionally popping off a shot or three with the assassin killing anyone who sets foot in the house. What's so funny yet terrible about this situation is the dialogue and actions the character perform. Clara acts all big and bad with Steven trying to hold her back, while the assassin makes bold threats but never once even attempts to go upstairs! Not even stealth like! And mind you all of this takes place within a day! One fucking day! I could go on and on but really it's not worth the extra energy to write it all out. Just note that if you come across Klippers, I feel you won't be bored but you won't enjoy it either.
The Ugly:
N/A
Klippers is available now on digital formats such as Amazon Instant and Video on Demand; if you're looking for a drama you can laugh at then definitely check this one out. But there's no other way to put it, the film is pretty bad and not worth any amount of time. So, out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving Klippers 1 star simply because it did, unintentionally, give me a laugh or three.
