Hey gang, Valkor here. Whenever I watch a bad action flick, hell even a bad horror film, I always wish it would have more ninjas – seriously, ninjas are the savior to just about any film. I know "When Harry met Sally" was an awesome film by itself, but think about it: what if there were ninjas? Girls get the romance and guys get the action, its win-win for everyone! Well this next film doesn't combine romance with ninja action, rather it combines two cheesy character types that, in all sense and purposes, should have added up to an amazing film. But instead we get "Ninja Zombies" DVD. How do you fail with zombie ninjas? HOW I ASK YOU!!?
Ninja Zombies centers on Dameon (Michael Lee), a slacker geek living in a house passed onto him by his parents who died in a horrific accident years ago - and he's not alone either; you have beefed up bros Lar-Dawg (Chris Kulmann) and G (Edward Miller), emo anime chick Kara (Arun Storrs), and cutie patootie Trish (Kylie Gallatly). Oh and we can't forget Dameon's best friend Luke (Mike Castro), though I don't think he lives there. On his 25th birthday Dameon receives a package from his parents, whom if I didn't mention already, have been dead for years. Inside is a note and a key which unlocks a chest in the basement.
PAUSE
Before we go into that chest, we gotta take a step back. Centuries ago, in feudal Japan, Dameon's ancestor Tenshu (also played by Michael Lee), stole a sword from the Kage ninja clan called the "Jigoku no Ken" aka "Hell's Sword", a powerful sword that would allow its user to raise the dead. He successfully defends the sword from the ninja clan, but in the end he had to sacrifice himself, keeping the sword from the hands of evil.
Switching back to modern day, Dameon and his friends open the chest to reveal another sword along with a scroll written in Japanese that only Kara can read; this sword holds the spirit of Tenshu. After deciphering the scroll, learning about the Jigoku no Ken and how it can bring back the dead, Kara secretly heads to her brother's grave, unearthing the Jigoku no Ken. She then unleashes the power of the sword, not only reanimating her brother, (who is now a zombie), but also freeing the Kage ninja, who are also zombies and looking for the Jigoku no Ken to bring back their leader Nobunaga. Dameon must now face his destiny and tap into the spirit of his ancenstor Tenshu who's power resides within the sword that was given to him; He must use that power to end the zombie apocalypse, stop the Kage ninja, and return the Jigoku no Ken back to its place of rest or else there will be hell to pay.
For whatever reason, this film was given an open ending (SPOILER ALERT); the only way to bury the sword: one must sacrifice their life. However the ninjas were able to raise Nobunaga from the dead. So before Dameon can return the sword, he has to battle his greatest foe. Thankfully we don't see that battle and trutheshly… I wish Dameon had died in the end. Yup, the sword goes back to where it came from, the Ninjas go back to where they came from, the zombie apocalypse is over, everyone lives on to piece together their shattered psyche after this chaotic mess. I think I might have enjoyed this film that much more had that happened… maybe… I don't know… moving on!
The Good:
For such a low budget film, Ninja Zombies has some pretty decent effects – quite impressive actually. From the flames around the Jigoku no Ken, the practical zombie effects and blood sprays, and the effect around Tenshu's sword, I gotta admit it was pretty cool stuff. The story is decent, but totally out there; a lot of the film deals with friendship, and owning up to one's destiny… yea the film pretty much nails those plot points as Dameon is visited by his ancestor either through flashbacks or directly speaking to him through the sword (destiny part). As for friendship, well he and his housemates must band together to take on the zombie horde, even though they have their differences. So, not bad. As far as the acting is concerned, most of it is god awful (and I'll go more in depth in the "bad" section), however I gotta give mad props to my boys Chris Kulmann and Edward Miller aka Lar-Dawg and G, who bring a level of cool and fun to this film; they're like a mix of Jay and Silent Bob, crackin the mad jokes. The film needed more of these guys (Why'd ya have to go and kill G so soon?). At least Lar-Dawg sticks around for the majority of the film, keeping the bad ass levels on high. PerfectView nods go out to Arun Storr who has a certain level of cuteness I can really sink my… penis… into… what? What I say?
The Bad:
Oh man where do I begin? Let's start with the acting; yo, for realz, I've sat through some low budget performances before, but the acting in Ninja Zombies… that's pretty bad. Right from the jump you'll cringe at just how bad the acting is in this film – Right. From. The. Jump. It will make your stomach churn upside down. I'm not even joking. And while I'm glad everyone was having fun through the whole filming process, it really doesn't need to be seen in the midst of the zombie attack (and I'm looking at you Michael Lee). You can't smile and laugh while being attacked by ninja zombies – their ninja zombies! Don't you know they will fuck you up!? Just sayin… The fight scenes were laughably slow and sloppy; I know this is a low budget film but you could have sped things up a little. Check out Ninjas vs. Vampires for future reference; it's low budget, but well acted, well choreographed with amazing special effects. Finally that ending – OH COME ON! Really? An open ending for this film? I don't think so.
The Ugly:
The ninja zombies. Hell all of the zombies in this film. Trust me, I don't mean ugly in a negative, I mean they're pretty gruesome. Great work!
The Funny:
Kara (to G and Lar-dawg after their derogatory comments): I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot buster sword!
G: Bust your nut sword.
Final Fantasy 7 Lulz!
Ninja Zombies hasn't found US distribution yet, but if you're really interested, you can score a copy from overseas like in the UK – that is if ninja zombies are your thing. But the negatives outweigh the positives and Ninja Zombies, in my eyes, definitely not worth even a rental. Let me put it this way: it could be a rainy day with absolutely nothing on the tube, and I'd rather sift through my stack of films to watch something I've seen 20 times over than to ever let this film near my DVD player again. Out of TOV 5 stars, Ninja Zombies gets a 1.5 and the hope that a sequel never sees the light of day… unless Dameon dies in the end, then maybe… I don't know or care!