• Rambo Movie Review

Hey folks, Valkor here. This next flick was the easiest for me to review... ever! Simply because everything, from start to finish, was laid out for me. So something this easy can’t be good, right? Right, it was better than good it was GRRRR-REAT!! Thank you, Sly Stallone, you really know how to make a kick-ass action flick and you've succeeded with RAMBO.

I went to the premiere in NJ with Krush and it was a crazy night over in East Hanover. And the highlight of the evening was a group of kids wearing red bandanas. Normally I'm all for geeking out and wearing something to support a geek film but in this day and age of "Red vs Blues" (you know what I mean), donning those colors isn't always safe. Then again maybe it's just my neighborhood?

Anyway, the basic plot behind "Rambo" is that a group of missionaries are in need of saving after getting caught in the middle of some South East Asian conflict; specifically in the region ofBurma. So it's up to Rambo and a handful of mercenaries to get them out. That's it, you can't get any simpler than that right? Yea you're gonna find other sites talking about how he's aged, how Rambo has become more of a loner, blah, blah, blah. Look it's Rambo, he's a man of war, and he's a wrecking machine. Really what more do you want? And with that, we kick into the review.

The Good

Explosions, blood spurts, body parts and bits flying all over the place - Oh my! Rambo is truly a manly man's film because once he starts killing, the blood doesn't stop a-flowing until the bitter end. Sure a lot of the blood scenes were obvious CGI, but it doesn't matter because you're gonna be too busy gasping, shouting, and guffawing at all of the headshots, legs being blown off, and eviscerations, to really care about how fake the blood looks. And none of this is limited to Stallone's character; this is an all around team effort, good guys and bad. Another plus is the length of the film, which runs at a smooth 90 minutes. Even with the short run time, Rambo doesn't feel rushed. The pacing is solid, maybe a little too quick in some areas, but overall well done.

The Bad

The plot's weak as hell. I mean thank god Rambo has tons of action or this would have been THE most hated film of all time. A bunch of missionaries insisting on going to Burma, even though the place is war torn, it's like they're asking to die. But Rambo takes them because he has a soft spot for the blondes. This is not the way to get an action movie, with such great gore, started. Second there was no one for Rambo to match wits with. He shoots up a bunch of enemy soldiers, and you'd think they'd have one guy in the group to be his equal, yet they were all target practice and grenade fodder.

The Ugly

Why is it that mid-movie, things go all "Brokeback Mountain" all of a sudden? With so much manly action taking place, why oh why was there a scene where the main villain is hinted at getting some young boy loving? Ok, I'm not against gay sex (I'm against having gay sex), but we didn't need to see that particular scene. Yea it was only implied, but fuck it shouldn't have gone that far.

Damn you, Stallone, I wanted to hate "Rambo" so bad! Yea, I loved the past Rambo films but this one was a long time coming and usually, something that takes this long to get started doesn't always turn out so great. But Rambo is indeed a great action film, filled with tons of blood, guts, and gore to satisfy everyone's lust for things that go boom. The story isn't so hot, but the film is fun as hell and definitely worthy of a repeat visit. And if you haven't seen it and you have a penis, then damn it, do yourself a favor and go see Rambo. Hell, even if you don't have a penis go see it. You'll be glad you did. So out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving Rambo an overall score of 4.