Hey gang, Valkor here. I'm not the biggest fan of Eric Roberts but I give him credit when credit is due; to me it just seems the guy will do just about anything – and I mean anything when it comes to film. And what he's done is run the gamut of The Good (The Dark Knight), The Bad (A Talking Cat!?!) and The Ugly (Ninja's Creed). But no matter what, Roberts gives his all and for that I say "good on you sir"! This next film, Self Storage, fits in between the bad and the ugly. Roberts does a decent job but the overall film? Well, read on. Oh and Spoilers ahead!
Self Storage puts the focus on Jake (Tom DeNucci), a slacker night watchman working at a self-storage facility, with dreams of making big money and living his days at sea. When confronted by his boss Walter (Roberts) about his misdeeds, what does Jake do? He throws a party with a handful of his friends. But what Jake doesn't know is that Walter along with his fellow night watchman Trevor (Michael Berryman – Mask Maker) run an organ black market within the facility and they have a big order to fill that will be picked up that evening. Unfortunately for Walter, a bunch of thugs disrupt their plans, so Walter decides to trap Jake and his buds within the facility, tagging them one by one to complete the order that's worth "a lot of fucking money". It's good times gone bad in this film, ending how you might expect, but then you have to ask yourself: did it have to end that way?
Self Storage is labeled as a horror film, but it comes across more like a comedy… that's not all that funny. With a runtime of 90 minutes plus and a duo of veteran actors in your lineup, you think you'd at least get a solid, campy B movie… you would think…
The Good:
Self Storage had all the markings of a fun horror film – a cheesy, but plausible plot, some B movie acting and boobs! I like the plot of the film, I thought the idea of a organ black market held in a storage facility, well that's pretty believable, right? The acting from Roberts and Berryman, while they ham it up a bit, works and it would appear they were having fun with their roles. Glad to see Berryman with more to do than he did in Mask Maker; the dude is an icon and deserves all the shine he gets. Finally… boobs. Yea you get em. And while they don't save this film from mediocrity, it's always nice to have a pair or more on screen for… reasons.
The Bad:
With all the pieces coming together, Self Storage… is pretty bad. While I enjoyed Roberts and Berryman's performances, the rest were waaaaaaaaaaaaay over the top to the point of make-you-wanna-switch-the-film-off-and-snap-the-DVD-in-half-bad! Worst is Ben Garcia's Rip. Ugh! I get it, you're having fun and I'm all for it, but dude... it's too much. But I give you props because you had all the "good parts". Next scenes don't exactly piece together well; we spend more time with Jake and his friends partying it up than with them getting killed – and I wanna see them all get sliced up! Most eventually do, but geez it's a terrible ride between killings. There's no tension, no suspense, no excitement; thankfully there's a nice dose of gore, but still not enough to make things interesting. Finally there's the confrontation between Jake and Walter. Now unless I missed something, Walter pretty much had the upper hand and he gives all the money to Jake and runs off? So why give it all up? He could have easily killed Jake, killed his girlfriend, and walked away with all the money. After, the head pick up guy (the group that picks up teh organs from Jake) kills off his men, for no reason what's so ever. Or maybe I missed something back in the beginning, I don't give a shit.
The Lulz:
Did Jake hold up Walter with… a plastic gun???
The Ugly:
Dude gets puked on but still proceeds to jack it to Rip and his girl having sex.
Self Storage is available now, and while it does have some moments of fun and messed up gore, it's still pretty pathetic. But if you still wish to check it out, I say try before you buy. And out of TOV 5 stars, Self Storage gets a 2 – for the two actors who actually make this film worth watching.
