• Top 10 Tips for Airport Security

Hey folks, Valkor here. TOV is kicking off a new section, but it was something we did when we first started the sight. Basically we “Sound Off” with what is going on with the world giving you our view on current events. Our first sound off piece is something that’s been pissing me off for a long time and now I finally have the format (and the audience) to do so. It’s going through airport security at the airport. And as a frequent flyer, who flies frequently, it ticks me off every time I go through security, there is always a hassle.

Look folks, there is a reason why we have airport security in the first place. It’s to give us a higher sense of security when we’re flying 30,000 plus feet and not having to worry about some terrorist taking over shit. Contrary to what skeptics might say, I feel much safer knowing that we have to go through thorough searching, without worrying about some guys taking over shit and crashing my plane into some landmark. If it means I have to strip down to my bare necessities, then so be it. The thing is actually getting through security when you have a bunch of dipshits, yokels, and pissed off preppies who think they are better than everyone else and don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. TSA guys announce what you need to do and yet people STILL don’t do it. Case in point: On my way to LA, TSA told me to take out my laptop if I had one, I was already one step ahead of them, I know the procedure so I’m used to it. Now just behind me is another guy, who also had a laptop. Dipshit puts his bag in the machine with laptop, they see there is a laptop in his bag and asks the guy if he had a laptop in his bag, the guy says yes. TSA asked him, why didn’t he take it out? The guy answered, and I swear this is true, he said “I didn’t know I had to.” Can you believe it? So now the people behind him are pissed because this just slows things down. So to help things along not only for myself but for other frequent travelers as well, here are a few rules to follow when you are going through airport security. Very easy, very simple, and should make from a smooth transition to getting to your gate.

1)      Start by doing a metal check. You wanna save yourself some time getting through security; take all the metals out of your pockets. Keep an extra carry-on for just such items such as coins, keys, cell phones, belts, watches, bracelets, necklaces, and such. Any kind of metal that will piss off that machine put it away before you even get on the line. Double check while you’re on the line, trust me this saves a lot of time for you and everyone. If you have kids, make sure they don’t have any metal either. Take the gameboy or psp from little jimmy and or Suzy, and tuck it in yours or their carry on.

2)      Take off the shoes and put them on the belt. Since the case with the shoe-bomber guy, we’re now supposed to take off our shoes and have them put through the x-ray. Try not to wear too fancy of a shoe. I’m talking about a shoe that if it requires a lot of work to get on, it will require just as much work to get off. (Yes I’m talking to you ladies.) If it’s summer time, keep it simple. In the winter time it’s understandable that you have to wear boots, but the boots have to come off. So if anything, start by unlacing your boots before you reach the scanner that way they just come right off. So there should be no problem. Usually people with sandals or sneakers can get by security without taking them off. But if your sneakers have steel toe tips, or say if you have kids with the lights in them, then take them off.

3)      If you’re bringing your laptop along, please take it out so that it can be scanned separately. It’s not a hard thing to do and it will definitely slow things down if they see it in the bag. TSA will usually tell announce that if you have a laptop please take it out.

4)      Jackets and coats must be removed. I have seen few situations where people just refused to take off their coats because at the time it was too cold. I say to this: Suck it up, take off the jacket and go through the scanner. It takes more time whining about something than it does actually doing it. Just take it off and move on.

5)      Don’t fuss with the TSA people. They have enough crap to deal with worrying about catching weird items and what not through the scanners; don’t make it worse by arguing over with them over petty shit like “Why do I have to take off my shoes?” “I don’t have anything else on me” (oops forgot my keys). “This is so stupid!” You know, crap like this. If you’re not 5 and under then you should have better sense.

6)      If you have a pacemaker, artificial hip, metal plate in your skull, any artificial appendage or weird body piercing that set off the detectors, please let the security guards know about it before you go through. That way they can scan you off to the side and the rest of us can go through, no problem.

7)      Please be mindful of the things you pack. Scissors, blades, knitting needles, usually any sharp objects will be confiscated. Also lighters are a no-no as well. So if your great, great grandma left you these great pairs of scissors for whatever reason, then I suggest you leave those things home or they will have a new home: The confiscation box.

8)      Parents, get your kids prepped and ready for the metal detectors either by practicing at home (especially if its their first time) or prepping them on what they should do prior you reaching the detectors. This happened once: I was behind a family whose little girl was going back and forth through the detectors, not only that but the parents forgot to take off her shoes (so the machine was beeping like crazy). It took a few minutes but they finally got her to stay on the other side. So if there are two parents traveling with child(ren), one goes through first, then the kid(s), then the other parent.

9)      Please, PLEASE for the love of all things Snapple if you are a single passenger, double check, triple check, quadruple check if you have to, but be 100% sure that you have your ID before you leave the house. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to wait behind a passenger who forgot their ID and get all pissed off because they couldn’t make that flight leaving in 20 minutes. If you leave home without it then you are SOL.

10)  Lastly, if you so luckily get selected for a random search, then don’t fight it just do it. It takes only 2 minutes at most if you follow along exactly what they tell you, trust me you won’t miss your plane and you won’t be holding the rest of us up.

Lastly and this has nothing to do with the security, but I love flight attendants (Well the female ones anyway). And I think they do one hell of a job insuring our comfort for the duration that we’re in the air. They provide us with food, beverage and information, and make the journey that much more relaxing. Ease up people! When we’re taking off or landing, stop being ignoramuses by leaving your seat down, or your tray table down, or your computer on, or getting up to use the bathroom during turbulence/takeoff/landing, or some other petty shit. The rules of flight are not that hard to follow and if we do our part to follow said rules, it will make flying the friendly skies that much more enjoyable. With that in mind I wanna add in a mini book review that any and all who are frequent flyers or anyone who have never flown before, or anyone who has given a flight attendant a hard time or just felt sorry for them when they deal with unruly passengers, should definitely read. It’s called “99 ways to make a flight attendant- Fly off the handle” written by JoAnn Kuzma Deveny (Released November 2003) and it is the funniest book I have read this year!

It’s basically a list of don’ts that one should follow when flying the “friendly” skies along with some hilarious stories. As I read through the book I have found that a few of them (numbers 41, 02, 65, and 27) are don’ts that I have done, but unconsciously. Ok take number 27, how am I supposed to know that if you say (while your in the air mind you) “to a flight attendant “Long time no see” is something they have heard a bajillion times over? I hear the same jokes daily you don’t see me complaining lol. There is one number that has me confused and that’s number 45. Joann, get back to me I am having a hard time figuring that one out. The rest are pure enjoyment to read. Let’s keep these and other tips in mind so that we may finally and truly fly the friendly skies.