Hey gang, Valkor here. January is close to an end and fellas, you know what that means right? It means you have to pre-order the flowers, make dinner/hotel reservations, and lock in a babysitter to take care of the youngins because February 14th - Valentine's Day - is fast approaching. Sure you can go all out, spend tons of money to make that ONE DAY extra special. Or you can stay at home, make a fancy dinner and pop in a choice flick while cozying on the couch next to that someone special. And ohhhhh baby, have I got a few "choice" films that you might enjoy. They're in no particular order, with teh actual synopsis of the film followed by a quick impression from me, leading into a link for the full review. And if you think you'd be interested in any of the films - for any occasion, then you have a couple of choice links to the right to find just what you're looking for. So sit back, relax, pull up a chair, maybe take shot or two and let the Val-man guide you to what's really good for Valentine's day.
- Group Sex - Herman has a weakness for strip clubs.
Donny has a thing for condiments and Tiffany is a newly celibate
martial artist. These are Andy's new friends after he unsuspectingly
follows his dream girl into a sexual - addiction recovery group.
At first this seems like the best possible news! However, Andy's
professional and personal life begins to unravel as he deepens
his ties to this lovable, but damaged group.
Valkor's Thoughts: - What can I say, this film is hilarious!! It's not non-stop funny, its well-balanced funny. The jokes are evenly spaced to perfection and it helps that the actors nail the delivery… each and every time! I loved it! Then again I'm coming off of MILF, so really it's uphill from here. The actors are all around spot on, but Greg Grunberg deserves praise as the king of laughs. Josh Cooke, while he plays the straight man, has got some jokes. But killer laughs go to Lisa Lampanelli who will have you on the floor the short time she's on screen. In the film she plays a waitress at a diner where the sex addicts hang out. And when Andy, Donny, and Herman prep to leave, Donny asks for a cup of relish, which Lisa replies "I will kick you in the cunt!"… tears… brought me to tears… And if you haven't watched her do stand-up, you're missing out. Group Sex DVD Review
- How To Make Love To a Woman - When Andy hears his
girlfriend Lauren sigh after sex, he panics. But even with the
help of his friends, porn stars and tantric experts, he continues
to stumble in the bedroom, finally realizing that in order to
give Lauren the "O" word, he first needs to say the "L" word.
Valkor's Thoughts - I can't praise this film enough for being so damn funny and I'll be completely honest… I didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did. From beginning to end of "How to Make Love to a Woman" you'll be in for an hysterical treat. The length is a bit long, but you won't notice it. The break up between laughs is just right, even the pacing holds up, which in some areas… just a wee spotty, especially towards the end – I don't feel we needed that second round of Andy rejecting Lauren, but I ain't hatin on it either. The acting, all around is superb, Josh Meyer – awesome! Krysten Ritter – beautiful and awesome, and Eugene Byrd – freakin hysterical, you and Josh definitely have good comedic chemistry together. But overall, I think the chemistry of the complete cast is just spot on perfect. And did I forget to mention that this film is funny? Lastly the soundtrack is tits, featuring music from Lindsay Richards (Changes in me), Them Terribles (Bullets and Guns), Saosin (It's Far Better To Learn), And Yellowcard (Light Up the Sky) - heh! The lead singer gets some jokes in as well. How To Make Love To a Woman DVD Review
- ThanksKilling - While on their way home for Thanksgiving
break, five college kids run "afowl" of a homicidal turkey that
wants them dead. As the cursed bird hunts them down one by one,
the survivors scramble to find a way to defeat the possessed
creature. Will the bloodthirsty turkey make this their last
Thanksgiving feast ever?
Valkor's Thoughts - ThanksKilling is stupid on a stick, but it's actually meant to be that way; from the low budget effects, the extremely bad acting, and that stupid rubber turkey that's in your face every time he spouts a one-liner, it all screams bad movie. But that's what makes up the film's charm – everything is done on purpose. The story isn't anything to write home about; it's very typical and straightforward, but it does well balancing the horror and the laughs. And oh boy will you laugh. It's not funny in that it tells the best jokes, etc, but the level of stupidity is just insane that you can't help but laugh. One scene in particular that had me on the floor is when Turkie is on the side of the road and this dude stops to pick him up, and as the guy opens his car door he says "ass, gas, or grass". Shit! I didn't expect him to say that! And kudos for starting the film off just right – with a sweet pair of titties (Wanda Lust – google is your friend)! The acting is a mess, but considering everyone is supposed to be that bad… well I can't really hate on them. Finally the film is short with a run time of 70 minutes (or just under). And I'm very grateful for it because there are times when cheesy flicks such as this… sometimes they overstay their welcome. In the end ThanksKilling is low budget at its best. ThanksKilling DVD Review
- Wild Cherry - Three hot high school seniors are
shocked to discover their names in a legendary book that pairs
the school's virgins with football players. Outraged, the girls
are determined to show the guys who's really running the game
of love and launch a series of hilarious, humiliating pranks
to get back at the baffled boys in a hysterical battle of the
Valkor's Thoughts - I have to say, I didn't think I'd walk away liking this one because it felt too much like the Pie movie, which I didn't like at all; it simply wasn't that funny or entertaining (the Pie movie). However with Wild Cherry, while I didn't feel the laughs, I did stick around for the show, which was very entertaining. I think it's because the perspective is different, where usually this type of film is centered on guys. But in this case we get those same male antics such as masturbation, sperm guzzling, having sex with food, etc from a female perspective. Wild Cherry DVD Review
- Mardi Gras Spring Break - For three college guys,
it's senior year and the co-ed experience has left them high
and dry. Their solution: A road trip to Mardi Gras, where beautiful
babes are happy to lift their shirts and open containers are
always welcome. But after dressing in drag, breaking into Carmen
Electra's hotel room, starring in a scandalous sex show and
accidentally exploding a feces bomb in a swank hotel lobby,
will the Mardi Gras magic kick in and their wildest fantasies
Valkor's Thoughts - Going in, I did not expect to enjoy Mardi Gras: Spring Break as much as I did mainly because of the box showing Carmen Electra and thinking the film is all about her. I mean yea she's eye-candy, but can she really carry a film, especially a comedy? Turns out she doesn't have all that much to do with the actual plot, the weight of which is carried by the guy trio of Mike, Bump and Scottie. The story itself is just above average but it's the jokes that's gonna sell this one. And this film is full of laughs… dear god I didn't expect to laugh as hard as I did but I was left holding my sides at a few scenes. One scene in particular is when Mike, Bump and Scottie perform in the Maxim games, an event that's usually meant to be played by women and for obvious reasons. It left me in tears. Mardi Gras: Spring Break DVD Review
- Flypaper - Two gangs of robbers descend on the same
bank, but hearts are what may be stolen instead in Flypaper,
a madcap crime comedy from the screenwriters of the blockbuster
The Hangover. Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy) stars as a nervous
customer with a crush on beautiful teller Ashley Judd (Double
Jeopardy, Crossing Over). They and the other staff and customers
become hostages when two very different groups of crooks hit
the bank simultaneously: a high-tech trio who plan to break
into the vault and a pair of small-timers whose idea of a big
score is knocking off the ATMs. When people begin mysteriously
dying one by one, everyone involved begins to wonder if there's
someone else in the bank up to no good.
Valkor's Thoughts - I was really surprised by Flypaper; I was expecting some sort of intense crime drama, so imagine my surprise when it's a comedy - and a really funny one at that. This is the kinda comedy you can't take seriously; it's very cartoony in nature with wacky character names like "Swiss Miss", "Mr. Clean", even "Peanutbutter and Jelly", stupid shootouts (not many people get directly hit and most are killed off screen), and a nice dose of slapstick littered throughout. The film's premise is very clever, moves at frantic pace, but not too fast that you can't keep up and it's a nice mix of action and comedy that will hold attention and make the films 90 minute runtime just fly by. Flypaper Blu-Ray Review
- The Con Artist - When Vince (Rossif Sutherland),
an ex-con trying to go straight, is forced back into stealing
cars by his murderous former boss (Donald Sutherland), he finds
solace welding sculptures out of discarded auto parts. But after
a calculating and seductive art dealer (Rebecca Romijn) discovers
his talent, Vince must pull off the ultimate con to stay out
of jail long enough to make it big.
Valkor's Thoughts - The Con Artist is a light comedy with an interesting story to tell. The plot's straightforward, with a nice twist at the end. Nothing to hold your breath over, but everything fits together quite nicely. Overall the film is very entertaining. The Con Artist DVD Review
- Dumping Lisa - In this hilarious comedy, two friends
start a business in which they dump the girlfriends of men who
are too scared to end things with their ladies themselves. When
one of the entrepreneurs gets "personally involved" with a client's
troublesome gal, he soon discovers that breaking up truly is
hard to do.
Valkor's Thought's - When I saw the runtime for Dumping Lisa (100 minutes), I was prepared eject the disc and call it a night. But I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy myself. It's not fall out your chair funny, but Matthew Nicklaw and Al Thompson got some jokes, even though they kinda start out like a car with some difficulties getting started. But mid film, you'll be treated to some quality laughs. My personal favorite is when Jerry goes gangsta; it's just too funny. Bridget Burke hams it up a big deal, but considering the role she's playing, you can forgive and enjoy. Her Lisa is just too much; she's like the kinda gf you wanna have, because she has a freak streak, but at the same time she's just way to cavity sweet and super clingy. Dumping Lisa DVD Review
- 30 Minutes or Less - Nick (Jesse Eisenberg) is a
small town pizza delivery guy whose mundane life collides with
the big plans of two wannabe criminal masterminds(Danny McBride
and Nick Swardson). The volatile duo kidnaps Nick and forces
him to rob a bank. With mere hours to pull off the impossible
task, Nick enlists the help of his ex-best friend, Chet (Aziz
Ansari). As the clock ticks, the two must deal with the police,
hired assassins, flamethrowers, and their own tumultuous relationship.
Valkor's Thoughts - To start "30 minutes or Less" has a decent storyline that sometimes jumps the rails, but for the most part stays the course and flows at a brisk pace. Going in, I thought this would be one of those comedic disaster films, you know where the two protagonists run into bad luck every step of the way but in the end they save the day, however you don't get that. Yea Nick and Chet run into their share of misfortune, but it's nothing over the top. The best scene in the film goes out to the bank robbery and when the dude gets shot in the leg... I lost it! The jokes were very clever and they're tossed straight at you; but they're not, you know, thrown at you haphazardly… the jokes makes sense and are on point beat for beat! 30 Minutes or Less Blu-Ray Review
- The Infidel - Meet Mahmud Nasir (Omid Djalili, Sex
and the City 2), loving husband, doting father and something
of a relaxed Muslim. He may not be the most observant, but in
his heart he is a true Muslim. After his mothers death, Mahmud
finds his birth certificate, which reveals that he was adopted
at birth and... hes Jewish, with the real name of Solly Shimshillewitz!
As Mahmud tumbles headlong into a full-scale identity crisis,
the only person he can turn to is Lenny (Richard Schiff, The
West Wing), a drunken Jewish cabbie. Soon Mahmud is embarking
on lessons in Jewishness, starting with how to dance like Topol
and the proper way to say oy vey. This revelation couldn t come
at a worse time, with Mahmuds son about to marry the stepdaughter
of a radical Muslim cleric.
Valkor's Thoughts - The Infidel is a laugh riot and a smart comedy from beginning to end. You pretty much know how it's all gonna play out and the film does reach a compromisable conclusion that should satisfy everyone. It's all about tolerance and really, why can't we laugh at one another? This film doesn't spit on any one religion in particular (at least not too much) but does play on the stereotypes, again, not as heavy as if this film were to be done in the U.S. The Infidel DVD Review
- *BONUS* Valentine's Day - The starriest cast you
may ever see sparkles in a hilarious and heartwarming romcom
from the director of Pretty Woman and The Princess Diaries.
Stories crisscross, collide and boomerang in this look at a
day in the life of love. There's a proposal. Flowers that didn't
get sent. A big fat secret that's finally told. The "I'll show
up and surprise him" that ended up surprising her. Fights, kisses,
wrong turns, right moves and more. Whether new to or through
with love, you'll fall in love with this 19-star, funny-side-up
celebration of romance.
Valkor's Thoughts - I can't begin to tell you how amazing this film is. Not only is Garry and co able to keep track of all these individual tales, but to have so many A-list actors really completes the package. Everyone performs well with no one person really taking center stage or hamming it up. It's all about the love and the laughs my friends and the cast show it by bring their A-Game to the floor. The soundtrack also deserves some credit with some amazing tunes mixing old and new from Taylor Swift, Jewel, Maroon 5, Stevie Wonder, Nat King Cole, Percy Sledge, Foreigner, and Jamie Foxx. An awesome film, an awesome, cast, and awesome soundtrack makes for one awesome experience. Valentine's Day Blu-Ray Review