Hey gang, Valkor here. So about a year ago to the date, I watched Final Destination 5. And since then there's been one scene that has stuck with me ever since – the scene where the women goes in for laser eye surgery. I swore on that day that I would never go through that process, because YIKES! So how does it relate to this next pic? Well I know it's highly unlikely that I'll ever get stuck in a sauna, but if you ever invite me to your cabin in the woods and there just happens to be a sauna… well take it from the folks in this next film "247° F" DVD, you just don't want to be in that predicament. Nor do you want to be in the position to watch this film, which is supposed to be based on actual events. Major Spoilers ahead!
247° F finds four friends – Jenna (Scout Taylor-Compton), Renee (Christina Ulloa), Michael (Michael Copon), and Ian (Travis Van Winkle) visiting Ian's uncle's Wade (Tyler Mane) (Tyler Mane), who owns a lakeside cabin. Michael discovers the place has a sauna and the group decides to partake in its steamy splendor, just before some big party that's supposed to take place that night. Of course the sauna is too hot so they switch from dipping in the lake, back to the steam room, back to the lake and finally back to the sauna. It's during this last trip that Michael, after having a bit too much to drink already, gets a little too playful with girlfriend Renee. But she's not having it, so she Jenna, and Ian had back into the sauna while Michael stumbles away. From the inside, the trio can hear a lot of fumbling and when they try to leave, they realize… they're trapped. And as the temperature rises, it then becomes a race to escape as the trio exhausts all possible options.
247° F is a claustrophobic drama similar to films such as Buried or Brake… except those were better films. Actually Buried was the best one, Brake was just "OK". This film? This film right here? Well…
247° F appears to come with a lot of excess baggage that really hinders it from being something special. For starters, I'm frying my brain here trying to figure out why was it important to create a character as Jenna, whom I believe I'm supposed to be sympathetic towards. When in reality I just don't care. The opening scene of her and her fiancé/husband/whomever getting in a car wreck has no weight on the overall film; you really don't feel her struggle of her having to deal with this man's death, because it doesn't really come up again. Sure she looks uncomfortable at times, but if you didn't know about the accident, you'd think she was just shy. If anything it makes you wanna fast-forward to the good parts… if there actually were any good parts. Next, there's absolutely no tension. And you'd think a film about a trio stuck in a sauna would instill buttloads of it; just the thought of being in that situation has me gasping for air. I think what kills it the most is the dialogue amongst them, such as Ian's little factoids or all the whining from the women folk. Next point: these three are stuck in 185 degree+ temps and they sit there like it's almost nothing. But Val, they broke a window! Yea but it's a freakin small window so that heat to cool ratio doesn't really balance out, I would think. Oh and kudos to Ian who broke the window, not thinking to cover his hand when breaking the glass. There's much worse scenarios than this that if I go on people might say I'm nitpicking. And they'd be partially right. But to believe it, ya gotta see it and I don't really recommend it unless you enjoy sitting through really bad films.
Ian goes ape shit, tackles the heater and it explodes.
The Scene that plays directly after Ian tackles the heater. Ergh!
247° F is available now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and digital video. But if you're really looking for something truly steamy, Skinemax usually shows their best stuff around 2 AM. And If you're looking for a decent horror film, definitely look elsewhere because out of TOV 5 stars, 247° F gets a big fat 0!