Hey gang, Valkor here. Now I’ve sat through my share of pretty bad films, but never one so bad that it caused me to literally take the disc out from the player and snap it in half. I’m not even kidding. Why'd I do it? Because there are times I’ll say "I’m never watching such and such film again", but when it came to the film “Axed” (written and directed by Ryan Lee Driscoll), I had to be sure this film doesn't accidently cross my path. If you wish to know more about this film, read on but there are major spoilers ahead, especially when you get to “The Bad” section. However I feel that’s actually doing you guys a favor.
Axed centers on husband and father Kurt (Jonathan Hansler), whom at the start of the film, has been let go from his place of work – and he’s not taking it well at all. The following the day, it’s business as always as the family, son Jay (Christopher Rithin), sexy daughter Megan (Nicola Posener), and wife/mother Steph (Andrea Gordon) prep for the day. Kurt is crazy wound up as he berates everyone, but when they’re driving off he suddenly has a change of heart and insists that everyone takes a day off with him, for a fun day in the country. When they arrive at what appears to be an abandoned country home, turns out the whole thing was a surprise for the family. Kurt explains that “the old dad is back” and that everyone is going to have lots of fun. He even takes away their cellphones as to not be distracted during this positive joyful moment. Unbeknownst to the family, Kurt has his old boss tied up in the attic and to set the mood for his reveal, he gives them all presents – Megan gets lacy panties (he thinks she's a whore), Jay gets a playgirl-esque magazine (He think's his son is gay), and Steph gets a buttload of condoms to use the next time she decides to pass that pussy around (Kurt thinks wifey has been sleeping around with his boss, who’s tied up in the attic). Oh and Kurt has bought a little something for himself – an axe. And from that moment on, this looks to be the last outing the Wendell family will take… ever!
The first 30 minutes or so of Axed sets itself up for what should be the final hour of awesome. Instead it takes the twisty, curvy road of redundancy and what the fuckness. Am I mad? Oh yea… I’m mad.
Believe it or not, the premise of the film is quite interesting and it’s what drew me to the film in the first place – a father luring his family out into the countryside just to kill them off, man that sounded so promising and scary… and then I watched the film… all of it… and I wasn’t impressed at all.
Once we get past the 30 minute or so mark, that’s when all the stupid shit starts to happen. Here we have a family of four with the father who is fucked in the head and no one realizes it until he starts handing out “presents”. As soon as that shit happened, you’d think maybe, just maybe there’d be some dissention amongst the group, someone to say “this shit is totally fucked up, I’m outta here”. That never really happens. Instead, he tells his son to take his axe and chop some wood, which he does. There’s you’re opening to run! But of course he doesn't and he and his sister actually go to chop wood! And from that point on, EVERYTHING that happens makes no sense what’s so ever. At the jump, Kurt takes away all the cellphones, however Megan has a secret phone… but forgets to turn the ringer off, which leads to the discovery and the destruction of the phone! ARE YOU KIDDING? Oh but Val, she used it to call her boyfriend beforehand. SHIT! No sooner does he arrive, he gets killed, so that was kinda pointless. Here’s another scenario; so the family is setting down to have dinner right, with the boss upstairs all tied up. The rest of the family knows that Kurt is fucked in the head, but they sit quietly anyway. The tied up boss is upstairs making all sorts of noise, so Kurt finally gets pissed, runs upstairs and stabs him to death. The two kids are downstairs free to make a break for it, but again it doesn’t happen! No one knows how to escape this man and there are three of them! Even if they split up he can’t catch them all right!? Let me jump up ahead to the most fucked up scene to ever grace the small screen, a scene that makes no sense what so ever: By now the boss and mom Steph are dead and Kurt’s plan to kill everyone and himself is set in motion. Jay and Megan do their best to make a break for it, but they can’t seem to get far enough ahead of daddy. So they set up a trap in a barn where Jay takes a pitchfork and lodges it through Kurt’s foot. Megan tells Jay to get the phone in her now dead boyfriend’s car. When he runs off, she proceeds to stab her father three times in the chest. Jay returns and the two make a break for it. You’d think they were home free right? The crazy father is stabbed and hobbled, there’s NO WAY he can catch them, right? WRONG! Kurt is able to dislodge the pitchfork holding him down and proceed to not only catch up with Jay and Megan, but stabs them dead (or so he thinks). I’m not even kidding he catches them and stabs them both! How the fuck does that happen? I couldn't even believe it when I saw it!
There’s a hint at some incest as Megan sort of seduces her father with her breast stating “isn’t this what you really wanted?” To which Kurt sorta stumbles in her direction, ultimately getting a pitchfork to the foot. They should have let that scene play out a bit longer. Maybe I should have called this section “The Disturbing”?
Now Kurt thinks everyone is dead, so he heads back to the house to off himself with the pills he laid out for him and his kids. He swallows his bunch and settles back to embrace death. But before that happens, his stabbed up son walks through the door. Oh and Megan isn’t dead either. And just as Kurt breathes his last breath, Jay lets out a “NOOOOOOO” that made Darth Vader in Episode 3 LOL. It’s that bad.
Axed is available now on Blu-Ray and DVD and while I find the premise to be interesting, the film as a whole is downright stupid. Watch out of some sense of morbid curiosity, but you might rage just as hard as I did over the dumb things these characters do. Smart idea, failed execution, which leads me to give Axed a -3 out of TOV 5 stars. Yes, it’s really that bad! But you don't have to take my word for it.