Hey gang, Valkor here. As a writer and head honcho here at TOV, I get the pleasure and sometimes displeasure of sifting and sitting through either some amazing films or stuff that goes right to the trash – and I mean that. If it sucks its outta here! With this next film, Blood Widow, from the box art I had high hopes that I’d be on the cusp of a new slasher character. But in the end, it’s so by the book that it’s downright boring. So you know where this one is headed. Read on and major spoilers ahead, though if you watched this one without reading this review you’d know what would happen as it happens.
Blood Widow centers on couple Hugh (Brandon Kyle Peters) and girlfriend Laurie (Danielle Lilley), who just closed the deal on a new countryside home. However they’re not even moved in yet when Hugh drops a bomb on Laurie – they have friends coming over to celebrate their new beginnings. And that’s no es bueno as Laurie wanted that time to be alone with her man. Once the four friends, Mark (Jose Miguel Vasquez), Amber (Emily Cutting), Harmony (Kelly Kilgore) and Kenneth (Christopher De Padua) have arrived and settled in, they start to explore the land, venturing off into what appears to be an abandoned home not far from Hugh and Laurie’s property. Inside they don’t find anything special and they even do a little extra damage. But what they don’t know is that deep within the home lurks a masked slasher stalking the place. And now that there’s a house next door full of fresh kill, it’s gonna do what it’s gonna do.
Back to the gang, the small party suddenly turns into a rave of sorts and Laurie isn’t happy about it at all. But for the killer, this is the way to kickstart the massacre; the first to go is Harmony, who went back to the house after she saw her man of interest Kenneth making out with Amber (and I don’t blame him one bit). After Harmony falls, a random couple gets it, we then move on to the next day where the killings begin again. Next on the cutting board is Amber, which pissed me off because we finally get to see some boob and she gets killed. Amber is murdered right in front of Mark, who runs back into the house to inform the others. And so it begins, a night of hack and slash for the remaining four; will they get out alive? And just who is behind that mask?
The answer, no one gets out alive and we don’t know who is behind the mask, but we can assume who it might be from the little detail that’s given in the story. Oh did I just spoil the ending? Trust me you’ll thank me later because Blood Widow… is pretty bland.
If there’s anything good I can say about this film is that it has delicious eyecandy in the form of Danielle Lilley and Emily Cutting who play Laurie and Amber respectively - beautiful, simply beautiful. Finally the actual slasher, I guess you would call her “Blood Widow”, looks great, though with the sleek body I expected some crazy moves. And there were a few scenes that show she’s very agile; prime example is when she’s downstairs and knocks Hugh unconscious to hanging from the side of the house where she slashes Mark’s arm off as he was attempting to lower Laurie from a second floor window. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of this character in a better setting/story.
There really is no saving grace for Blood Widow as the film isn’t very good; it’s a paint-by-the-numbers horror that’s predictable and uneventful with no redeeming factors save for an awesome looking killer and bodacious babes. There’s no real setup, there’s no suspenseful buildup and the main characters are beyond clichéd mixed in with stale acting. What about a backstory? We’re given clues to a distraught past centered on a young blond girl and that abandoned home, but nothing ever comes of it because people are too busy dying – even the couple who sold Hugh and Laurie their home let fly some detail that someone died in that house, but they didn’t want to say anything prior to protect the property value. Yea, with a batch of new dead bodies, that property value is gonna turn to shit now. So everything is just a mystery and that’s how it ends – mysteriously.
Laurie gets the SNOT beat out of her!!! HER FACE! GOD DAMN!!!!
Blood Widow DVD is available now and if you’re looking for some real scares, then you might want to avoid this one at all cost; we’re talking zero scares, dull characters and it’s predictable as fuck. Sure the film has a cool killer and a couple of scantily clad hotties, but even that can’t save it from the trash pile. And out of TOV 5 stars, Blood Widow gets a 1.