Valkor's the name and cheesy movies are my game. Sometimes I wonder if I should stop watching these types of films; but then I just pop in another, grab an ice cold Snapple, and let the old grey matter rest whilst I get sucked into the latest cheesefest that comes across my desk. The next film making its way to the TOV chopping block is "Flesh Wounds" directed by Dan Garcia; I'm not sure what direction the plot was headed, but I do know where this DVD will end up - not in a happier place I assure you. Read on oh and be forewarned, spoilers ahead!
Flesh Wounds finds a select group of black op soldiers, lead by Lt. Tyler (Kevin Sorbo – Poolboy Drowning Out The Fury) on a mission to find bunch of scientists who were conducting an experiment somewhere on a remote island. It's up to Tyler and his men to comb the island to find out what happened to the missing scientist. Tagging along with the soldiers is CIA agent Cassandra Mason (Heather Marie Mardsen); Tyler adamantly objects at first, but reluctantly agrees to have her come along. Whilst on patrol, they have a run in with a group of terrorist and in the midst of all the fighting, someone or something starts picking them off one by one – terrorist and black op soldiers alike. What is it and does it have anything to do with the missing scientist?
This thing that's attacking the groups is actually a cyborg that seems awfully… familiar. How so? Well it uses infra red to track its prey, has a load of high-tech weaponry, and even hides within a cloaking device. If you guessed the Predator, you'd be half right. The other half would be Universal Soldier. However the actual plot has more A LOT to do with the 1987 John McTiernan classic, right down to the end explosion that actually kills the cybernetic beasty for good.
I've said it before and I'll say it again – this film could have used some ninjas; lots and lots of ninjas.
The Good:
Flesh Wounds doesn't have much going for it save for one thing – the action. The action wasn't all that bad and really perks you up through all the boring parts. There are also some nice gory bits that liven things up as well; overall it's not the best action film out there, but it's something, which is more than I can say for the rest of the film.
The Bad:
The film is boring plain and simple. The story is ripped straight from Predator - trust me that's not a good thing because everything Predator does right, this film does completely wrong. Then again it is a low budget, direct to DVD film so I shouldn't have expected too much. But given the look of the box art, I expected something completely different – COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! I don't know what the hell this film is supposed to be, but it ain't good I can tell you that. There are two things that hurt this film the most – the pacing, which moves at a snail's pace. And for a film that's roughly 85 minutes, that's really bad. And the second thing is the dialogue. Egads! A lot of it is flat out corny or just really painful to hear. Finally the film tries too hard with character development such as giving one guy PTSD and another who may or may not be gay… or a sheep lover (maybe those were just jokes). However these character bits aren't necessary especially if it doesn't help move the story. Do I care if one guy is the "Puerto Rican baby making machine"? Nope, I just wanna see stuff blow up and bodies hitting the floor, that's it! Finally the film has waaaaaay too many endings. It should have ended when Tyler awoke in the chopper. But noooo, you gotta tack on at least three more after that.
The Ugly:
That one ending scene where this colonel takes his own life; the camera is at his back and you can clearly see which direction the fake blood is being splattered across this pane of plastic to give the effect that he had blown his brains out. I know this is low budget and you can only do so much, but if you can't make a headshot look right then you don't have to do it that way. Just sayin…
Flesh Wounds DVD is available now and as an actioner, I'd give this one a pass for something much, much better. Sure it has some nice action bits, but not enough to hold anyone's attention or even warrant a rental. But if you're looking to kill some minutes and unused brain cells then be my guest. But trust me… you won't enjoy it. And out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving Flesh Wounds a 1.
