Hey folks, Valkor here. You know just when I start to believe
that I've "seen everything", something will pop out of the woodworks
and show me otherwise. Take for instance this next film up on
the TOV chopping block – The Taint. Yea the title threw me off
and I expected something completely different than what I got.
But trutheshly… I'm OK with that.
The Taint isn't about that space between your asshole and your no-no bits; the name is actually short for "tainted water" (I KNOW RIGHT!!?). Before we get into how it all started, let's meet our… I'm not sure if you'll call them heroes – Phil (Drew Bolduc) and Misandra (Colleen Walsh), two unlikely victims caught in a maze of spooge spewing, rage infested men with huge boners who like to crush heads (especially that of women) with heavy objects, off on a quest to get to untainted water. Along the way they discover more about the taint and who was responsible for it.
In short, "the taint" was created by a man named Ludas (Kenneth Hall) and his partner Drew (Drew Buldoc); two nerds who create a penis enhancing formula so that women would suck their cocks when they became famous for doing so. Instead the formula turns men into misogynist – crazed, murderous misogynist.
Uh-Oh! Learning time! Misogyny – the hatred or dislike of women or girls. (Thanks Wikipedia!!)
When Phil and Misandra meet Ludas, he takes them to his former friend's mother's basement where he tells him of the formula over glasses of untainted wine. But the wine is tainted and Ludas kills Misandra with his raging member that sets Phil off, giving new meaning to the term "cock smoker".
Before I get into the breakdown, there are some awards I wanna give this film that I think it deserves:
Best 80's Style, Gay Montage – The award goes to Houdini (Cody Crenshaw) to the tune of "In The Shadows of Love".
Best Sexual Innuendo – This one goes to Houdini again and his Legend of the Fist comment.
The Best line ever spoken in a film… ever!! – This one goes to Phil after he's called a cockblocker. His line: "You're right… I am a cockblocker. I'm the best cockblocker that I know. You know what? All your cocks… (changes shades) just got blocked." (BEST LINE EVAR!!)
The best scene of a guy getting fucked up after saying the coolest line ever – one more time to Phil, who gets his face all bloodied up after blocking Houdini's cock.
Best name for a male enhancing formula – Cockzantium
Most fake dicks ever used in a film – The Taint wins; fake dick is everywhere in this film. And I'd hate to see the film that tries to top this one.
And the best anime-inspired character in a live action film – Ludas.
The Taint is 69 minutes of pure "I don't know what the fuckness" I've ever sat through. So this will make the TOV Breakdown, that much more interesting.
The Good:
If you've never seen the film Rubber, I suggest you check it out, because that was a film about "no reason" – meaning, nothing had to make sense, just sit back and enjoy. The same applies to The Taint – it doesn't make one lick of sense. But that doesn't mean it isn't the most amazing piece of film I've ever laid eyes on. I love cheesy films, and this film by far is the cheesiest piece of Schmidt I've ever sat through. Fake spooge shooting penises, tons of gore, fake vaginal penetration, this film holds nothing back! And I mean absolutely nothing. Even 9/11 isn't spared as they show a plane crashing into a building. Or how about a woman getting a coat hanger abortion? Talk about having some balls! The acting, for what it's worth, is what it is – it's nothing special, but I think that's the point. It isn't supposed to be great acting; it's very amateurish, but a lot of fun, especially Ludas who really hams it up. All effects are practical – I didn't see a lick of CGI in the film, which I think pays off; all the blood, gore, spooge, and fake dicks are pulled off quite well for such a low-budget flick. Overall, the Taint is quite an impressive feat of schlock and awe.
The Bad:
Some of the flashback bits really slow things down a bit.
The Ugly:
Wow! Where do I begin? And this is in no way a negative on the film, just that it's pretty gruesome in my eyes. 1) Phil throwing up (did he actually throw up? For realz? 2)Ludas giving Misandra a dick to the back of the head. Trust me it's funnier than it sounds. And 3) Houdini getting his faced ripped off. Yikes!
The Taint is satirical horror at its finest; you definitely can't see it just once, and it clearly deserves cult status that it will undoubtedly receive. It's over the top, rage-induced, shoot you in the dick awesome you'll want to see again and again. I highly recommend checking it out. And out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving The Taint 4.5 stars and it's been Valkor Viewed, TOV Approved!
