Hey Folks, Valkor here. How do you like your film cheese? Do you like it limburger stinky or swiss which is still stinky but you can tolerate it? How about cheddary, goodness, which is good and tolerable but still cheese nonetheless. If the answer is cheddar then you’re in for a film that’s got cheddar written all over it. I’m talking DOA: Dead Or Alive - The Movie directed by Cory Yuen. It’s the cheesiest!

First, this is exactly how to make a game to film movie: Keep it pointless. DOA doesn’t have much of a plot, but plenty of mindless action, tossed with a heaping helping of cheesy acting to go with it. And that’s basically all you need really, because it’s so damn difficult to put a game to film, why focus on shit that doesn’t work? DOA is a fighting game so the main focus is the fighting, right?  

But the plot, weak as it is, but still good, revolves around four women, each with their very own and very brief backstory, because we can’t waste time when there is ass kickin to do. First there’s Kasumi, a princess who wants to avenge the possible murder of her brother. Then there’s Tina, a pro wrestle, she just wants to be taken seriously as a fighter. We have Holly a thief who just wants to get richer, and finally there is Helena. Actually Helena’s story doesn’t kick in until about later in the film, but ultimately she wants revenge for what happened to her father, AFTER she finds out what really happens to him. These four women and a cast of other characters who look straight up from a video game are invited to this remote island to participate in a fighting contest called DOA. The fighters are injected with nanos and pitted against each other in a no holds barred free for brawl for the chance to win a boatload of cash. Really is that it? Well the main villain, Donavan, wants to collect the data from the nanos and use that data to find out who’s the best. Afterwards he straps the fighters in this machine and downloads there data through a pair of shades, so that he can have that fighters strength, plus that fighter can’t fight against him because he knows there every move. Why you might ask? So that he can sell this new technology to the terrorist sect. I don’t know why a bunch of terrorist would want software that downloads moves from fighters, because hey if you didn’t download a fighter’s data and try to fight him, your ass is gonna get served.  So how does it ultimately compete?

Damn it its CHEESE!! But it’s really good ass cheese that you will want more of! First off I’ve never played DOA, but I recall a lot of bouncy boobs and uhmmmm this film is lacking in women who have these blessed attributes. But that can be forgiven because all the women are so damn sexy it hurts my bobbit to no end, especially Devon Aoki as Kasumi. I’d lick taint off every surface of her body if she let me, but that’s beside the point. Pound for pound this is a video game movie adapted perfectly, with its strong points being the well choreographed fighting. Honestly I could have used a bit more destruction in the fights such as background interactions, but DOA doesn’t over do it, everything is just right. My favorite fight goes to Tina Vs Zack, I mean they really beat the bajeebus out of each other, throwing each other through pillars and slamming each other on the ground. Sweet!

Also just like the game there’s a scene where the girls play volleyball, and if I recall there’s a DOA game that focuses on just that. But I think the boobs were bigger and bouncier in that game. But the women are hot so all is forgiven. Now the end battle is super cheese, were talking fried mozzarella thick with a spoonful of parmesean. It looks good, it taste good, but come on that stinks so bad. 10 seconds until an island blows up, but it took waaaaaay longer even for a film. 10 seconds only last that long in a basketball game. In a film it’s just stupid. Oh and going back to the women, not one naked breast in the place; A lot of teasing of a breast and some side boob, but full on nipple? Nope!

Honestly though I loved DOA, I’d add it to my cheese pile of films, and it’s definitely worth another sit through. So if you’re a fan of the original Mortal Kombat, then I think you will definitely absolutely love DOA. It’s not a perfect film, but it’s entertaining. Sexy women, lots of fighting and a plot STRAIGHT from a video game, in a movie based on a video game? What more could you want? Oh ya! How about more of this?

Valkor Out!