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Valkor's Top Ten PAX East 2010 Don'ts


Hey folks, Valkor here. And we're just days, literally, DAYS away from PAX East (Penny Arcade Expo). It's gonna be three days filled with gaming goodness, music, and fun and it's gonna be a weekend of firsts - It's the first time they're coming to the east coast, it's the first time TOV will have a presence there, and it's also the first time I'll be sportin TOV's official shirt. W00t! PAX East – it's like E3 only EVERYONE is invited. And I'm super excited about attending. But in this article, I wanna bring up an issue that I discussed with 2D-X's JayDUb during CES 2010. And it not only concerns PAX East, but can be applied to any comic/anime/gaming convention, but to put it short –



Here's Valkor's Top 10 PAX East (and other cons) DO NOTs:

10) DO NOT, NOT Wear Deodorant – This goes for everyone, but especially you DDR gamers. Sometimes things can get intense, especially when you're feelin you're groove or you're trying to survive a beatdown with just a drop of life left. But when the heat rises, so does sweaty armpit stench. Have I experience it? Yes. Is it pleasant? No. It's gonna be a packed house, you're gonna be surrounded by other gamers, cosplayers, press and industry folk, slick those pits with some speed stick.



9) DO NOT get grabby with the booth Babes – Look we know why they're there – specifically to draw us towards the booth they're reppin so that we can get stuck in some ten minute pitch about how cool such and such is. Though they may be scantily clad, you fanboys and gamer geeks have a habit of gettin a bit aggressive at the site of a "real live girl". Remember this she's really REAL and she will strike you or shove a 12" stiletto up your ass if you don't watch the mitts. Get your shot, and I don't mean in her face with your nerd goo, I mean a pic, and move it along nerdy.

8) DO NOT asks booth babes out on a date or to your hotel room – So you're lurkin the floors of PAX EAST 2010, seekin swag and enjoying being surrounded by all this coolness when across the room a hottie wearin a Princess Leia Slave girl costume and handin out flyers, gives you a smile. You think "this must be some kind of love connection" and proceed to chat it up with miss delicious. You're doin all the talkin and she's responding with a bunch of "uh huhs" and "Oh that's interesting" and you think, "this is the girl I'm gonna bring home to live with me forever in my parents basement". So you proceed to ask her out on a date, maybe a little nookie/nightcap action back at you're motel room – the same one bedroom, mirror on the ceiling and free porn on the tube of a room that you're sharing with your best friend Chip, because that 8 buck an hour job can't afford you anything more. She gives you a look of disgust, you walk away in shame, go talk to your friends and she's suddenly a bitch they shouldn't bother talkin to. Hey Dicky, it's not her it's you; you who made the assumption that some scantily-clad plate of hotness will even talk to you, let alone touch you. Don't assume that a booth babe/hottie cosplayer is gonna be the answer to all your prayers (the day you can throw out the plastic love doll). It ain't happenin. Again Booth Babes are meant to draw you to the booth not play live-action Rapel… ooops I mean Sexy Beach 3 with you. And if you do score a hotty, you are the fucking MAN!


I just wanted her number *sob*


7) DO NOT bring your personal agenda to a Q and A – It's Wondercon 2007, JayDub and I are attending a Q & A for 300 and some douche asks Zack Snyder about why Leonidis was propped in the "Jesus Christ, shanked on the cross" pose, which erupted in a chorus of boos and jeers. Seriously dudes DON'T bring your personal agenda and political views to geeky Q & A's. That shit is uncalled for and totally unnecessary. So when you're at PAX EAST and you're attending a panel, it seriously won't be the place or time to bring up the new Health Care Bill. I will mock and boo you until my throat is sore.

6) DO NOT wear a welfare costume – Below is a pic taken at Animefest 2009. Notice the one Red Ranger with the crappy, puffy Red Ranger costume with the cut out helmet eyes. Look how lame his costume looks. Doesn't make you wish you were there so you could laugh and point and laugh some more? Unless you're trying to be funny, and I mean you better be ROTFLMAO funny, leave the cheap costume at home. And speaking of costumes, notice the fatty Red Ranger. And that brings us to number 5.



5) DO NOT wear a costume that doesn't fit you properly – I'm not a cosplayer, but I've always wanted to try it. (Tousen Kaname is my character of choice) And I know that if I'm gonna dress as him, I'm gonna make sure the costume covers the extra flesh I'm packin. Yet there are those who flaunt the fat proudly from the crevices of their costumes. Dudes, make sure the apparel fits the folds of your manly or womanliness. I'm rockin the chunk too, but I'm never gonna squeeze into a Cloud costume… it won't be pretty, especially since I don't even come close in hair or skin color to play him. Make it loose and make it fit.

4) DO NOT Brag about your mad DDR skills – You're at PAX East, you're in line waitin to play [COOL GAME HERE] or attending a panel with your peeps, chattin about that one time you totally nailed the "pop, drop, and lock" on manic mode to the tune of AfroNova 112 (the ranma remix), doin an off the banister spin, finishin it off with a double-tap kick soulja boy. And that's cool! I mean that's amazing! But when you're surrounded by industry peeps, media, hell even Xbox 360 live fanboys, you may wanna limit that kind of talk and save it for the food court because to myself and almost everyone who overhears what you just said, you're uber-lame, a total douche, and you're gay. That's right I said it.



3) DO NOT persistently ask for something you know you're not gonna get - You see Square's booth in your site and you heard a rumor from a friend of a friend's sister's nephew that they were giving out crystal Tifas with jelly boobs to give it that realistic look of jiggliness when you shake her a bit. You arrive at the booth and ask for the figure but the rep says "Sorry Media/Buyers/Sellers only". But of course you don't wanna look lame in front of your peeps because you said you'll have that figure "no matter what!" If only they knew that "no matter what" meant getting on your knees and crying like a little girl (No offense to the real little girls out there who cry for the things they want). If all they are giving out is a chocobo keychain, just take it, say thank you and complain about it later. And don't worry, that Jelly-boob Tifa will be available on eBay, over-priced with a ginormous shipping cost… and YOU WILL PAY FOR IT!!

2) DO NOT be a total douche and ask the guy who's rockin [COOL GAME HERE] to get off – Happened to me last year at E3 2009 and I was 5 minutes (literally) into Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, when some dick taps me on the shoulder and asks me to hurry up. Wait, so it's ok for me to wait 30 minutes to play, but you, mr. double-o dick, wanna play right now, this minute? You suffer behind me douchey mcDouchebag and watch as I take my sweet, sweet, time walking back to the beginning of the level even though there's absolutely nothing there, because I've already cleared it out. I and my fellow PATIENT gamers can be douchey too.

1) DO NOT spit hot fire about how well you can play [COOL GAME HERE] – A crowd gathers around the Super Street Fighter IV game and this dude is servin up fresh ass-whoopins to any and all who're bold enough to grab the stick and challenge his greatness. And there's you; you who loudly whispers to your friend about how "corny" the guy is, how if it were you, you'd kick his ass using Chun-li with the quickness. But "the line is too long". Trust me there's one in EVERY gaming crowd! Fuck that! If I hear that shit at PAX East, I WILL CALL YOU OUT! That's right, I'm gonna be that fingerpointin, hootin and hollerin "awwww shit it's on!" black guy who will instigate you getting up there for a fresh piece of that ass whoopin, which you will undoubtedly receive and choke on. Because I know you ain't got the skills and you know you ain't got the skillz, and now everyone will know you ain't got the skillz and we'll point and laugh until our throats are sore and you'll go home and cry into a bag of Doritos. Aahhhhhh good times!



I love going to a good gaming/anime/comic con as much as the next geek, but I don't like it when some douche ruins the experience. Needless to say these top tens shouldn't dissuade us all from having a good time. But if you should come across such persons as those mentioned or even those that I missed, please make sure you share em with your pal Val.

Valkor Out!


Email: valkor@the-other-view.com


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