Hey folks, Valkor here. This next flick was the easiest for me to review ever, simply because everything, from start to finish, was laid out for me. So something this easy can’t be good right? Right, it was better than good it was GRRRR-REAT!! Thank you Sly Stallone, you really know how to make a kick ass action flick and you’ve succeeded with RAMBO.

I went to the NJ premiere with Krush and it was a crazy night over in East Hanover. The highlight of the evening was a group of kids wearing red bandanas. Normally I’m all for geekin out and wearing something to support a geek film, but in this day and edge of Red vs Blues (you know what I mean?), donning those colors isn’t always safe. Then again maybe it’s just my neighborhood?

Anywho, the basic plot behind Rambo is that a group of missionaries is in need of saving after getting caught in the middle of some South East Asian conflict, specifically in Burma. So now it’s up to Rambo and a handful of mercenaries to get em out. That’s it, you can’t get any more simpler than that right? Yea you’re gonna find other sites talking about how he’s aged, how Rambo has become more of a loner, blah, blah, blah. Look its Rambo, he’s a man of war, and he’s a wreckin machine. And really what more do you want? And with that, we kick into the review.

The Good

Explosions, blood spurts, body parts and bits flying all over the place…. Oh my! This is truly a manly man’s film because once Rambo starts, the blood doesn’t stop a-flowing until the bitter end. Yea a lot of the blood scenes were obvious CGI, but it doesn’t matter because you’re gonna be too busy gasping, awing, shouting, and gaffawing at headshots, legs being blown off, and eviscerations,  to really care about how fake the blood looks. And none of this applies directly to Stallone’s character; this is an all around team effort, good guys and bad. Another plus is the length of the film, which runs at 90 minutes. Even with the short run time, Rambo doesn’t feel like a rushed film. The pacing is solid, maybe a little too quick in some areas, but overall well done.

The Bad

The plot’s weak as hell. I mean thank god Rambo has tons of kick ass action or this would have been THE most hated film of all time. A bunch of missionaries insisting on going to Burma, even though the place is war torn, it’s like their asking to die. But Rambo takes them because he has a soft spot for the blondes. This is not the way to get an action movie, with such great gore, started. Second there was no one for Rambo to match wits with. Yea he shot up a bunch of soldiers, but you’d think they’d have one guy in the group to be his equal, yet they were all target practice and grenade fodder.

The Ugly

Why is it that mid movie, things go Brokeback Mountain all of a sudden? With so much manly action taking place, why oh why was there a scene where the main villain, is hinted to getting some homo lovin? Ok I’m not against gay sex (I’m against having gay sex), but we didn’t need to see it that scene in particular. Yea it was only implied, fuck it shouldn’t have gone that far. It’s not necessary and should be edited out.

Damn you Stallone I wanted to hate Rambo so bad. Yea I loved the past Rambo films, but this one was a long time coming and usually something that takes this long to get started don’t always turn out so great. But you’ve pulled off a great action film, filled with tons of blood, guts, and gore to satisfy everyone’s lust for things that go boom. Yea the story isn’t so hot, but the film is fun as hell, definitely worthy of a repeat visit. And if you haven’t seen it and you have a penis, then damnit do yourself a favor and go see Rambo. Hell, even if you don’t have a penis go see it. You’ll be glad you did. Out of 5 stars, I’m giving Rambo an overall score of 4. Valkor tested and TOV approved.

Valkor out!