DOA: Dead Or Alive The Movie Review

Hey Folks, Valkor here. So, how do you like your film cheese? Do you like it Limburger stinky or swiss which is still stinky but you can tolerate it? How about cheddary, goodness, which is good and tolerable but still cheese? If the answer is cheddar then you're in for a film that's got cheddar written all over it. I'm talking "DOA: Dead Or Alive - The Movie" directed by Cory Yuen. And let me tell you, it's the cheesiest!

First up, let me say that this is exactly how to make a game-to-film: Keep it pointless. DOA doesn't have much of a plot, but plenty of mindless action, tossed in with a heaping helping of cheesy acting to go with it. And that's basically all you need really because it's so damn difficult to put a game to film, why focus on shit that doesn't work? DOA is a fighting game so the main focus is the fighting, right? Right!

The plot, weak as it is, is still good and it revolves around four women, each with their very own and very brief backstory because we can't waste time when there is ass-kicking to do. First there's Kasumi, a princess who wants to avenge the possible murder of her brother. Then there's Tina, a pro wrestler who just wants to be taken seriously as a fighter. We have Holly a thief who wants to get richer, and finally there is Helena. Actually, Helena's story doesn't kick in until about later in the film. Ultimately she wants revenge for what happened to her father AFTER she finds out what really happened to him. These four women and an eclectic cast of characters who look straight up from a video game are invited to this remote island to participate in a fighting contest called DOA. The fighters are injected with nanos and pitted against each other in a no holds barred, free-for-brawl for the chance to win a boatload of cash. Really is that it? Well, the main villain, Donavan, wants to collect the data collected from the nanos and use it to find out who's the best. Afterward, he straps the fighters in this machine and downloads their data through a pair of shades, so that he can have that fighter's strengths, plus that fighter can't fight against him because he knows there every move. Why is he doing all of these? So that he'll sell this new technology to the terrorist sect. I don't know why a bunch of terrorists would want software that downloads moves from fighters into shades, because if they didn't download a fighter's data and try to fight him, their ass is gonna get served. So how does it ultimately compete?

Damn, it's CHEESE!! But it's really good ass cheese that you will want more of! First off I've never played DOA, but I know of the series and do I recall a lot of bouncy boobs and uhmmmm this film is lacking in women who have these blessed attributes. But that can be forgiven because all the women are so damn sexy it hurts my bobbit to no end, especially Devon Aoki as Kasumi. I'd lick every inch of her body if she let me, but that's beside the point. Pound for pound this is a video game movie adapted perfectly, with its strong points being the well-choreographed fight scenes. Honestly, the film could have used a bit more destruction in the environments such as background interactions, but DOA doesn't over do it and everything is just right. My favorite fight goes to Tina Vs Zack; I mean they really beat the bajeebus out of one another, throwing each other through pillars and slamming each other into the ground. Sweet!

Also, just like the game, there;s a scene where the girls play volleyball, and if I recall there's a DOA game that focuses on just that. But I think the boobs were bigger and bouncier in that game. Again, the women in the film are gorgeous so all is forgiven. Now the end battle is super cheese; we're talking fried mozzarella thick with a spoonful of parmesan: It looks good and it tastes good but it stinks so bad. So there were ten seconds until this island blows up, but it took waaaaaay longer than it should have. Ten seconds only last that long in a basketball game. In a film, it's just stupid. Oh and going back to the women, not one naked breast in the place; A lot of teasing of breast and some side boob, but full on nipple? Nope!

Honestly though I enjoyed DOA, I'd add it to my cheese pile of films; it's definitely worth another sit through. So if you're a fan of the original Mortal Kombat film, then I think you'll get a kick out of DOA. It's not a perfect film, but it's entertaining, with loads of sexy women, lots of fighting and a plot that's super cheesy! And out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving DOA a 3.