Hey folks, Valkor here. And I wanted to introduce everyone to Ace and his first review of The Backwoods and will join up with the film review crew. Talk about takin one for the team, this film sounds really, REALLY bad. Strangely enough Ace's faculties are still intact. Enjoy!"
Greetings, this is Ace. I am here reviewing the horror flick, Backwoods featuring the fine sister of one Miss Hillary Duff’s fine older sister, Haylie Duff… and some dude named Ryan Merriman. This flick has many awkward moments, which instead of catching the viewer with the element of surprise, will have you dying laughing instead. This second rate movie has its good moments where it follows the traditional horror formula, but ultimately falls flat due its sketchy story and lack of twists.
The story starts out with a couple going to a private community deep in the woods to get away from it all. Following the tradition of most horror flicks, there is a subtle hint that they are in for a turn for the worst. The beginning quickly reaches to the scene, which is suppose to give you a heart attack, featuring the monster you are suppose to fear. This intentionally scary monster (Robert Allen Mukes) ends up looking similar to the Bigfoot inspired friendly monster from the old sitcom The Hendersons. This automatically gave me a sign for the worst with this film. The unfortunate male traveler is eventually killed by the goofy looking monster and the lady is raped and kept alive. We are then forwarded to a scene in which eight campers go out into the woods for a paintball retreat. The only problem is that they happen to trespass on private property (followed by so called scary background music). The point of the retreat is that they are supposed to get along and bond with each other. The character, Adam (Ryan Merriman), was a complete loner or as I would say pussy. He is taunted by the jocks Parry (Danny Nucci), and Dash (Craig Zimmerman). Dash’s girlfriend, Lee, is played by Haylie Duff, lucky bastard!! Throughout the building of the story Adam is constantly not in any kind of mood to play along with Dash and Parry’s antics. On numerous occasions, they are involved in quarrels and by the grace of God they’re paired together ironically enough on the paintball retreat.
Things turn for the worst when the other team, which isn’t talked about much, doesn’t answer their radios. That’s because they were jumped by the villagers of the trespassed area and held captive. One member of the team who I have no idea who his name is, is automatically killed. The other female on the team who we later find out is named Maggie is also raped by the intentionally scary monster and oddly enough her mother is telling her to take one for the team! The main characters of the featured paintball team go out to help their fallen comrades. On the way of finding their comrades Dash is killed. But what I thought was funny was Lee didn’t seem to care much; she brushed it off. The story kind of flips the script in where the park ranger, John Hemphill, is now portrayed as the main villain which was a lot better than that Bigfoot rip-off. Lee, Perry, and Adam are captured, and poor Lee is placed in the same position as her friend Maggie. With the mother, giving the same “you are gonna take it like a porn star” speech and things look bleak for Lee. Meanwhile, Adam and Perry are held captive with the black and Asian guys (sorry don’t know their names). The most messed up part of the movie is that the Asian guy didn’t go out with a bang like the rest of the characters. He died because the prison guard kicked away his asthma pump when he was having an asthma attack! All I could do was shake my head in disgust, he could have at least put up a fight but he died curled up like a wimp!
Adam finally shows signs that he no longer want to be the loser. His friend from the opposing paintball team that was presumed dead was kept alive as bait and is swiftly killed with a shovel. The park ranger finally lets us know why the villagers have been acting so strange. Apparently, they assumed the FBI kept surveillance around the park grounds so they raped the women and kill the men that trespassed. (Valkor’s note: Oh come on! How cliché can this movie be lol) Yes, this explanation had me baffled too but I guess it is what it is because they’re strange villagers. Adam actually figures out they are crazy psychos, breaks free and kills the slow minded prison guard. He becomes the movie’s hero taking out the other prison guard and releasing the revenge minded minorities. Towards the end of movie, is where the random funny moments happen that save this movie from completely mediocre.
Looking at Haylie Duff and how witty she was towards the end. Also The black guy and Perry getting killed off in a memorable way.
The rest of the movie! There was a couple of moments which I found funny but it couldn’t save this film. Funny thing, about this movie is the opening credits are the only that made me cringe. One thing I found out throughout the film as a common theme is the minorities, mainly the blacks and latinos, didn’t give much of a damn. For example, Perry, is a latino in the film he automatically knew how to use a gun and trust me he used it well.
Looking at the Geico caveman impersonating an actual villain.
Backwoods, overall, is definitely below average. The script should have been better; it was more like anything random they can come up with rolled into one idea. There are a few good moments which were all laughable and none of them were frightening in any kind of way. If this was written a lot better, Backwoods could’ve been a good movie. Instead it gets a 2.5 out of TOV 5 stars.
Because she is just so damn cute