Hey folks, Valkor here. Just before Transformers (2007 version) screened, a trailer was shown that started out at a party, sending off this guy named Rob, who’s off to Japan to become a VP, ending with an explosion, the Statue of Liberty’s head sliding down an NYC street, mass hysteria, and ending simply with 1-18-08. That’s it. That’s all anyone knew of this film and it sent everyone clamoring for more. But there wasn’t too much info available for this film, other than the name “Cloverfield” and a slew of viral websites that… for the most part didn’t help anyone figure out just what the hell Cloverfield was. Well 1-18-08 has passed and the film simply titled Cloverfield is upon us. And what do I think? Spoilers everywhere so proceed at your own risk.

It’s complete and utter bullshit.

Before I delve into that statement let’s get the plot down. Cloverfield is a giant monster movie, taken from the perspective of a cameraman as he and his friends struggle through NYC, while this monster is laying it into midtown Manhattan. It starts out with Jason, Rob’s brother and his girlfriend Lilly getting ready for the party, leading up to the party, and ending with the monster attack. Once the creature attacks, the group try to make it out of Manhattan and over into Brooklyn, but Jason is killed when the Monster attacks the bridge leaving, Rob, Lilly, Hud, who’s holding the camera and Marlena, who is just there. Rob gets a frantic call from his sorta, kinda gf, Beth and it’s now their goal to reach her someone and give themselves distance from the creature. You don’t get to see too much of the actual monster until about the end, but you never forget it’s there as it makes its presence known whenever possible, plus little off-shoots of the creature fall off it chasing and killing whatever is in their paths. The movie plays out almost exactly like Blairwitch project, as everything is seen through this one camera. And for some strange reason, Hud never drops the damn thing (more later in the piece). He is capturing the moment until his bitter end. Rob takes over filming and does a Blairwitch type monologue into the camera, talking about what’s going on, ending with a giant explosion that may or may not have killed him and Beth. (Oh yea he finds Beth). We don’t know if the military or the monster won, but what I do know is, I was extremely disappointed in this film, especially given the hype. It’s a short 85 minutes… but UGH. Ok before I get into anything else, let’s jump into the meat of this review.  

The Good

For starters there’s the monster. I can’t even begin to describe what the hell it was, but oh my god it was scary as hell. You don’t see much of it, but that’s ok because what you don’t see makes it that much scarier. And just knowing that thing is out there, taking out NYC and its populace, just made me stand on end wondering when and where it would pop up. And the smaller versions of it are just as nasty. I loved the part watching the army take on the creature, especially when the Stealth Bomber is sweeping over the sky and you know that monster was gonna get the shit kicked out of it.

The Bad

Wow there is just so much bad about this film that I don’t even know where to begin. Ok JJ and crew, I get the shaky cam. It gives some sense of realism to the film and I’ll buy that, but I would have gone with a mix of a) shaky cam and b) Military strike. I really, REALLY wanted to see more of the military fighting against this never before seen threat. Ah well. Second, I know we are supposed to dispense realism and all that but it’s kinda hard when mid film you think “that camera has a damn good battery in it”, because it didn’t die at all, even after constantly running, turning on it’s external light and even switching to night mode. Come on, the camera was running for 24 hours and not even a blip. Third, so Marlena gets bitten, she, Hud, Lily and Rob make it to the military base and no one, and I me NO ONE tells them that she was bitten. Not even Hud who fucking loves her says “hey uhhhhhh friend got bit by a monster here, can someone help her?” Nope, Rob only wants to know if the military can help him find Beth and the other two just look on, ultimately waiting until Marlena speaks up; she’s infected, eyes bleeding, face pale; the military decides to react, but too late, she dies in a spray of blood. Fucking delicious.

The Ugly

Hud, not once, not fucking once does he drop the camera!! Are you kidding me!!!? All sorts of shit’s going down and he hangs onto to that camera for dear life. Oh my god he was even attacked by one of the smaller versions of the creature, Marlena (woman he loves) is attacked and he never let’s go of that damn camera. Hud’s commentary also sucks any life this movie has going for it because he says the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in any film. He even tries to theorize how and where the monster might have come from. But I wanted to jump into the film, grab that camera and crack him over the skull with it. I actually cheered when he was killed because finally we don’t to hear his freaking annoying voice. (Too bad its toward the end of the film, or I would have scored Cloverfield a lot higher. Heh).  This is the one, no the main reason I’ll never watch this film again. I’d rather watch 1998, CGI, dancing through NYC and causing no destruction on its own, Godzilla 5 times, then to have to watch some douche with a camera make dumb commentary.

This is a like it or lump it film. (I lumped it) I’d say if you wanna see what all the hype is all about then yes go see Cloverfield. And if you can go during a matinee, then yea even better. But I bought into the hyped and I left feeling unsatisfied. JJ and crew, consider this, a companion piece of just the military tackling this creature with anything and everything thrown at it. I give Cloverfield a 2 only because the monster is the film’s saving grace, but other than that, wait for the DVD, I’m talking rent not buy.

Valkor out!