Hey gang, Valkor here. I like cheesy films as much as the next person… so long as the next person actually likes watching cheesy films. And I won’t hesitate to load one up or take a request to review one when the opportunity presents itself. So, this next film – Getting Schooled, takes “cheese” to a whole new level. If given a bit more polish it might actually be… watchable. But in the end, it falls flat.
“Getting Schooled” harkens back to the 80s (think The Breakfast Club) and centers on five thirtysomethings actors playing a bunch of high school students who were given detention for various reasons. None of which matters because, in the end, they’re just a bunch of misfits, overplaying their roles, with no clue as to how much danger they’re in. Their biggest danger having to admit they starred in this mess. Enter wheel-chaired teacher Mr. Roker (Tom Long), who is also former Black Ops and a Vietnam War veteran. He suddenly bumps his head and now he’s having flashbacks from his war past days, mentally putting him back into the action. The students, Rusty (Roland Ruiz), Shelly (Susan Ly), Mike (Jake Byrd), Hillary (Morgan Tyler), and Julie (Myra Leal – Playing House, Casting Couch) tie up Roker and lock him in a closet. However, he escapes and now Mr. Roker is out for blood! Long story short, everyone dies but Julie and I die a little more inside for having wasted 84 minutes watching this piece of… ahem.
Making his cameo appearance is the legend himself, Ron Jeremy (I Am Virgin, Batman XXX), who goes out in a bloody blaze of glory! But even that’s not enough to save Getting Schooled from receiving top honors as one of the worst films I've ever had to sit through. And I’ll tell you why it’s bad in the TOV Breakdown.
If there was a thing or two I could take away from “Getting Schooled”, is it would have to be the killings, which were pretty damn gruesome; for crying out loud, the film opens with a girl getting her head bashed in with a boombox. And though it takes some time before you see more gore, when it does happen, it's visually satisfying! Also, Myra Leal is always worth checking out; sadly she's not as naked as she gets in "Playing House", but she's still a delicious piece of eye candy. I'd also like to give a nod to Susan Ly's nerd girl, who is definitely my kind of sexy.
In the end, “Getting Schooled” is just plain bad. My main objection with the film has to do with the main villain; let me pause just a sec because Roker isn’t really my issue; it’s how the students deal with him seems to be my problem. The thing is, the dude was pretty much tied up in a closet. So realistically all the students needed to do was to simply walk out and call it a day. However, they chose to stay behind, locking down the school so no one else comes in to see what they did. And even though Hillary says numerous times to call for help, no one does. I get that this is just a movie and it’s all part of the setup, but when you’re faced with a situation where your mind snaps backs to reality and you have to ask “what the fuck?” then you done fucked up. Now back to the main baddy of the film, which is also bound to a wheelchair; I’m not saying that such a character can’t exist in horror films. However, in his film, Roker doesn’t come across as threatening. It just seems like he could have easily been defeated with a whack from a long stick, or maybe a bottle tossed at him from across the room, or anything with range. I mean one of the characters had a knife. So maybe dude could have taped it to the end of a stick and SHANK! End of the movie! Finally, the pacing is mad slow and the acting is so very, very bad. I get that the cast was going for an 80s vibe, but that was waaaaaaay overdoing it!
Poor Mike! Like… damn!!
“Getting Schooled” is available now on such digital services as Amazon Instant, iTunes, and Google Play. But I’d recommend spending your money elsewhere unless you don’t mind sitting through a pretty uneventful horror film with not a whole lot going for it save for some killings and a couple of pretty faces. But even that doesn’t warrant the purchase. And out of TOV 5 stars, I’m giving “Getting Schooled” a 2.