Hey folks, Valkor here. Man I was really lookin forward to hatin on the film in this review. I never thought I’d exist where I’d get to see a Transformers film (2 of em) AND a G.I. Joe film that were both lots of fun and exceeded my expectations. And G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra, not only exceeded my expectations, it trounced it, annihilated it, kick it in the dirt, shit on it and then set it on fucking fire!!
G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra mostly revolves around Duke, (Channing Tatum) who along with his best friend Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) join up with an elite group of special operatives outfit called G.I. Joe after getting in a tussle with The Baroness (Sienna Miller) and NeoViper soldiers who were looking to steal some missiles. These missiles, created by a company called “M.A.R.S” and headed by McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) contain dangerous nanobots that destroy anything in their paths. And they don’t stop until a kill switch is activated. Duke is introduced to General Hawk (Played by Dennis Quaid) who brings him and Ripcord into the group which includes Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), Snake Eyes (Ray Park), Scarlet (Rachel Nichols), and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). Their tag line “When all else fails; we don’t!” The Joes set off to find out just who wants the missiles and like in G.I. Joe fashion, they work as a team. From the moment Duke and Ripcord join up until the very end, the Joes do what the Joes do best. They get the fucking job done. But the movie is subtitled “The Rise of Cobra”, which stays true throughout. You don’t see Cobra Commander until the very end, which leaves things wide open for a sequel. Also throughout you get some nice cameos as well as appearances of other characters that I had no idea were going to be in the movie such as Zartan (Arnold Vosloo), Dr. Mind Bender (Kevin J. O’Connor), and Gung Ho (Brenden Fraser)… but for a second it sounded as though he was playing Sergeant Slaughter. Finally you get flashbacks that flesh out the relationship between Duke and the Baroness and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and Snake Eyes (Ray Park). Yea they fit a lot in the film, but with all the action and shit getting busted up, you won’t care too much about the back story.
And now, on to the review.
First the action and fun; from the start of the film to the very end G.I. Joe is loaded with action and its tons of fun. After years of watching the old cartoon series and readin some of the comics, I find that the film works with staying true to the mythos. There are no standout stars; no one person out shines the other, they’re a team and that’s how its played out through the film. The Cobra villains are real villains; they have a devious plan bent on world domination and it plays out well point for point, up until it’s ultimately foiled by the Joes. The technology both sides use are amazing, even those “accelerator suits” they wore was very un-G.I. Joe like, until you see them in action and that scene plays out so well; again the Joes act as a team. I loved the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow back-story that plays out through flashbacks, though we never find out if Snake Eyes’ eyes are really screwed up like in the comic. If there is a second film I am sure there will be a revealed. Finally the end battle between the Joes and Cobra… KICK ASS is all I can say! It’s an intense battle, which we all know the outcome, but its fun watchin it play out.
As much as I enjoyed the film, there are a few parts the film got wrong. First and foremost is the Duke/Baroness/Destro triangle. Why does there need to be one? Why can’t she just be the bad gal? Destro and the Baroness were an item in the series, why mess with that? Second is Cobra Commander. First the predictability of who he is. Trust me it will be no big surprise. And second, how can you fuck up his mask? Why can’t we just have the mask from the cartoon? And if not that helmet and you wanna stick with the whole origin deal, why not the hood? But nooooooo they had to create something unique to the film, which sucks completely. Destro was done right, because you can't really ruin him. But Cobra Commander?? FUCK!!
Did I mention Cobra Commander’s mask?
No matter what, good, bad, or ugly, I will admit G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra is definitely a film you’ll enjoy and should not miss. It’s explosive action from start to finish, with a decent plot and great cameos that any fan of the show/comic will appreciate. Out of TOV 5 stars I give the film 4 stars easy; only one star less than perfect all because of that fucking mask!! How the hell could they screw it up!!?? What the hell were they thinking??