Hey gang, Valkor here. We’re a few days post Halloween and that means it’s time for me to get my mental facilities in order by washing out all of the horror I had to watch and fill it with some lighthearted fun. And I’ve get a couple of comedies that I hope are what the doctor ordered. First up we have sex comedy “All-American Bikini Car Wash”, directed by Nimrod Zalmanowitz; and while it doesn’t do much to make me laugh, it is sexy as fuck!
All-American Bikini Car Wash centers on Jack (Jack Cullison - MILF), who is pretty much failure at almost everything – he's flunking his classes, lost his job and he can’t pay the rent to his dad, so he rents out the place to his friends to cover that cost... who are, at the moment behind on their payments. But he does have a way with the ladies… sorta. However a little light of hope has sprung into Jack’s life; one of his professors’ is giving him the opportunity to earn some extra credit by managing his car wash for a week. If he shows a profit then he passes, which should make his father happy. It sounds pretty simple until his oversexed friend Vex (Jason Lockhart – Casting Couch) and nerdy roommate Marvin (J.R. Ritcherson), convince Jack that it'd be better to turn this average car wash into a “bikini car wash” – hell they already know a bevy of bodacious babes. And getting more is just as easy, so what could possibly go wrong? Well for starters there’s the mob, who look to extract “protection money”, the girls appear to be taking things a bit “too far” and there’s that feeling of dread when Jack’s father and professor ultimately find out what he’s doing, they probably won't be pleased with the situation.
To top things off, you get a couple of side stories; for one there’s the love triangle between Marvin and Amanda (Dora Pereli) who are both madly in love with galpal Tori (Scarlet Red) and then there’s Jack situation with his female bestfriend Brittany (Ashley Park), whom the two can’t seem to catch a break when it comes time to confessing their feelings for one another. But the big questions are: will Jack pass his class, score a profit with the car wash, survive the mob and get the girl? You’ll have to watch to find out.
All-American Bikini Car Wash looks and feels a lot like Casting Couch, plus they're both loaded to the brim with T&A; and I will say this about Car Wash: it’s the first film I was able to keep an erection the entire time The. Entire. Time.
All American Bikini Car Wash, much like Casting Couch, falls into the “it’s decent” category; there aren’t a lot of laughs, but the film is completely watchable and entertaining in its own right. The plot is fairly simple, easy to follow and doesn’t stray off course – what you see is what you get. And what you get is a pretty decent story filled with so much eyecandy that it’ll make your head pop-off. Even Ashley Park (Brittany), who doesn’t get any kinds of undress, is still smoking hot! The acting is fairly decent, though some characters are way, way over the top (I'm looking at you Mob Guys), yet there isn’t anything here that really distracts… except all that lusciousness that I’d like to stic… nevermind. In the end, if you like your film loaded with sexy, then you can’t go wrong with All American Bikini Car Wash.
It's not funny and I didn’t laugh once; and given the plot, I was expecting a lot of laughs. I’d even take a couple of chuckles here and there as the film, as it stands, is pretty entertaining… it’s just not all that funny, if that counts for anything. And what I mean is that the jokes are dry, a total miss or so wicked over the top that you’ll cringe.
All American Bikini Car Wash is available now on Video on Demand; and if you’re looking for a film that’s filled to the brim with gorgeous, sexy, women that are so hot that they'll make your Bobbit hurt so bad to the point that it feels like it's about to fall off, but lacking in all things funny, yet still totally watchable, then give this one a try. And out of TOV 5 stars, I’m gonna meet All American Bikini Car Wash midway and give it a 2.5.