Hey gang, Valkor here. And it's that time of year when throngs of college (and high school) students flock towards warmer climates and throw away all inhibition for that one moment in time where they'll partake in that yearly favorite past time – Spring Break. And hey, coincidence, there's a film on its way to theaters starring sexy Vanessa Hudgens and ever so soft and supple Selena Gomez called "Spring Breakers". Too bad I'm not reviewing that film because I got stuck with "Bikini Spring Break". And it begs the question: how can a film, showin so much titty, still fail?
Here's a fun fact: Bikini Spring Break is made by "The Asylum", makers of all things knock off. So why not make a film that's similar to Spring Breakers right?
Bikini Spring Break centers on five sexy chicks… uhmmm babes… women? The film Centers on five sexy college co-eds (even better) – Zoe (Virginia Petrucci), Michelle (Erin O'Brien), Whitney (Samantha Stewart), Alice (Rachel Alig), Franny (Jamie Noel) who get stuck in a Florida town after their bus breaks down while on their way to Miami to compete in a band competition. With no bus and short on cash the group need to raise some serious cash or else miss out on an opportunity of a lifetime. So in order to get the dough they'll compete in variety of spring break related events, most of which are hosted by two dudes Vance (Andrew Clements) and Zack (Tristan Ott), who are mostly looking to get their party on. Will the ladies make it to the big show? You know they will! And will they win the competition? Oh yea they will, but it's the dumbest thing you've ever seen! Oh and before I forget, the film also stars Robert Carradine as Coach Gill and Erica Duke as Constance the single protestor against all things spring break.
And now it's time to give out a few TOV awards!!!
- Winner for the most naked boobs ever shown in film from beginning to end: Bikini Spring Break
- Winner for the "I really don't give a shit, just give me my sandwich for appearing in this piece of Schmidt film" goes to: Robert Carradine
- Winner for the goofiest looks to ever be showcased in a film goes to: It's a tie!!! Give it up for Virginia Petrucci as Zoe and Rachel Alig as Alice. Not only are they dumb as posts, but they have the goofiest blank stares you've ever seen.
I don't think Spring Breakers have much to do with the plot of this film, but I also don't think the film will show as much titty. And after watching Bikini Spring Break… quite a few times for obvious reasons, it's time to give you the real scoop in the TOV Breakdown.
Bikini Spring Break isn't one of the greatest teen sex comedies around, but it does have its charm. I mean the jokes – visual or verbal, aren't extremely "laugh out loud" funny, but I chuckled a few times such as Alice's cute quips, the bull riding scene had a few moments, and Zoe when she screws things up, which is all the time – she's unintentionally holding the group back, but she comes through in the end. Topless nudity is rampant throughout the film right from the jump and considering how these women look, you won't hear me complain. You can never have too much titty and much of it acts as the perfect distraction to what is essentially a blah film. I mean think about it, just as things start to head downwards POP! Titties! And not an ugly titty in the bunch! In the end the film is more eye candy than anything else and that ain't so bad really. However…
Titties and a few jokes aside, overall Bikini Spring Break is a pretty… bad film. Actually it's pretty stupid. I mean I've sat through stupid films before, but this one was a doozy! I mean yea there are titties, but the story could have used some tightening up with the script – it's pretty much all over the place and much of the dialogue appear to be pretty bad improv. Much like Solid State, another really bad film, the idea is sound, but the execution is flawed. The story moves along so sloppily you're never really sure where it's going until it gets there. And it doesn't help that the women do more complaining than anything else. I mean they could have squeezed an extra event or two for the lulz, cutting back on some of the titty shots. Wait… what the hell am I saying? Finally that ending (spoiler alert), it's pretty bad. I mean it's one of the dumbest endings I've ever seen. OK so the girls are finally on their way to the big show, but are slowed down by a hurricane. They persevere and arrive to the event only to see the place trashed. Of course no one else has shown up because of the storm, however the girls want to win and their reasoning? Because no one else showed up! I meanwho's dumb enough to travel in a an F6... you know what? Eff it! Thank god for dem titties.
Towards the end the girls mention they have to get to Florida… even though they were already in Florida. All my what?
Watching Franny eat a mouthful of wrestling Jell-O. Oooopsies! That's not supposed to be edible!
If you're looking for a film to kill some time, provide a few laughs, and show off tons of titty, then Bikini Spring Break might just be the sex comedy you're looking for. I'd find it difficult to recommend, but thankfully there's Netflix and other digital services you can use without being fully invested. And out of TOV 5 stars, I give Bikini Spring Break a 2. Hmmm I think I can go another round with the film. Jello scene here I cum!