Hey gang, Valkor here. And as I rummage through the TOV movie pile, I come across a film that by the title alone – The Extendables, I thought I was getting something of a parody of The Expendables (like The Dependables… only that wasn’t really funny). Instead we get something that may (or may not) be based on actual accounts of on-the-set instances from big name action stars, mish-mashed into a film for our enjoyment.
In The Extendables, former action star Vardell Duseldorfer (VD for short, played by Brian Thompson), after a string of scandals, is looking to make it back into the spotlight by acting and directing in a movie called “Hard Times on Mars”. We, as the audience, follow his exploits as he attempts to use his presence to have his way on the set, getting things done the way he wants no matter how silly they may sound. A good chunk of the film focuses on dicks – how big one guy’s dick looks, Vardell’s own lack of size, his inability to get it up and how he uses a bratwurst for appearance, or how one woman on the set reaches a revelation of the red and blue talons on VD’s dick. But for the most part, it’s all about the trials and tribulations of what it’s like to make a film with a difficult actor/director who doesn’t know what the hell is going, doesn’t care so long as he gets his way and no one wil tell him otherwise or else.
According to the epilogue of the film (introduced by Brian Thompson), The Extendables combines actors such as Sly Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean Claude Van Damme, into one character, involving true to life instances that Brian happened to witness on set. Whether it’s true or not, well that’s up to the viewer to believe or disbelieve. And its also up to the viewer to figure out what scenes belong to what actor. Or maybe you simply won't care. i didn't.
I get the idea behind the film and I appreciate the effort, but as a narrative, this type of film – an expose of sorts, just doesn’t work. First, is it supposed to be funny? I think it was supposed to be funny, but I didn’t laugh once. No that’s a lie! I did laugh once at the Metaphor/Meta-five joke. I don’t know why, I just thought it was funny. Next, the film should have been documentary/mockumentary style, with running commentary and behind the scenes insights from the actors, directors, and folks who actually worked with VD, giving their insight into the man or the men whom the man portrays; the film kinda starts out that way with commentary from real actors such as Patrick Wharburton and Kevin Sorbo. But then it doesn't. Had it ran all the way through like that, I think it might have worked… a little better. Maybe? I dunno! I just know that as it stands, The Extendables is pretty boring stuff.
If you’re in anyway interested, even in the slightest, in watching The Extendables, then click that logo to the right and get it on iTunes today. Even though Brian Thompson does a decent enough job caricaturizing all these actors into one, it doesn’t save this film from its date with the recycle bin. And out of TOV 5 stars, The Extendables gets a 1.