Hey folks, Valkor here. Growing up in the 80’s I was subject to watch some seriously creepy horror that none of the more recent horror films can compare. Films like Hostel or Turista are good for shock value. The New Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween, don’t do enough to match the scares of the originals. Nay There aren’t too many films that capture that creepy, horror style that I grew up with… That is until I watched “The Telling”, a film that somehow, someway really does define what a horror should be; super cheesy, bad actors, and some serious scares that makes this title an instant classic… in my eyes.
The Telling starts out at a party hosted by one girl Brianna who looks to join a sorority called “Omega Kappa Kappa”. However the members of the sorority instantly reject Brianna, causing her to go off and kill herself.
A year later we meet the entire Omega Kappa Kappa group as they’re hosting another party to induct new members into the group. Led by queen bitch Stephanie (Holly Madison), she tells the three girls Tonya (Jessica Noboa), Phoebe (Stephanie Sanborn), and Haley (Jean Louise O’Sullivan) that in order to get in the sorority they must tell a scary story. This sets up the premise of the film as we get to watch the stories the three girls will tell starting with:
Dollface (Tanya): Sarah (Kimshelley Garner) moves in with her new boyfriend Greg (Wesley Stiller) who just happens to be living with his ex girlfriend Lily (Rebekah Kochan). One day Greg brings home a really creepy doll that talks… and falls in love with him. Well with two women in the house, both having some connection with Greg, what do you think is gonna happen? All fucking hell breaks loose that’s what happens!
The Crimson Echo (Phoebe): The is the weakest of the three tales. Eva (Bridget Marquardt) is an actress that only does one film a year. But of all the types of films she’s done, she has never once done a horror a film. She’s invited to Europe by director Victor (John D’Aquino) to star in a horror flick called “The Crimson Echo”. Well after a nice drink of Absinthe and some funky dreams, Eva gets to meet the cast and crew of the film, only to find out that these people are the original filmmakers of classic horror films dating back to the 1900 hundreds and they need to keep making horror to stay alive. As I said, WEAK!
Prank Call (Haley): Now this is where things pick back up. Meredith (Veronique Vicari), Jenna (Jessica Lowe), and Anna (Amanda Ward) are three roommates, who missed out on seeing a horror flick, return home and decide to make prank calls. However during one call they happen upon someone getting murdered. Dippy Meredith forgets to block the number, so the murderer calls them back, warning them not to call the cops or else they’re next. So what do they do? Yea you know it.
I’m just gonna get this out of the way right now. This would be the ultimate guy horror film as it’s loaded with hot actresses. But the fact that boob is at a minimum… well it just pisses me off that we have all that hotness and very little boob. I mean there are some; but this film should have been loaded with it! Anyway, on with the review.
As I said before, this film definitely has an 80’s horror feel to it and that really drew me in. That fact that the filmmakers were able to capture that feel is a feat worthy mentioning. Yea the acting is terribly bad, but for a film filled with preppy white women, and I mean FULL of em, only adds to the charm. And out of all the women in the film, my accolades go to Lola Labelle (Amber) who, to me, is the hottest of the hots and worthy of being called TOV’s PerfectView. The stories, however, are the real main event. And while I found “Crimson Echo” the weakest of the bunch, it’s only because I enjoyed “Dollface” a whole lot! Classic creepy doll killin off bitches; you can’t go wrong with that. But Prank Call screams classic horror right down the white girl falling down, the predictability of their actions, and the obvious twist. This is the kind of film that made people wanna yell “Bitch! Don’t go in that room!!” I fucking loved it! The final ending Is one that you know is gonna happen; how it happens well you don’t know but when it does happen, it’s expected. However it completes the cheesy 80’s horror classic to a perfect T and for a film filled with white women that have the whitest character names like Brittany and Amber… I fucking loved it.
Did I mention the acting was really bad? IT’S REALLY THAT BAD! But because the stories are so good, the acting is tolerable. I love cheesy horror so long as its good and this is definitely high quality cheese.
The Telling is truly an unexpected hit and fun 80’s style horror flick, one that I would highly recommend showing at any Halloween or horror film party. And I seriously recommend it to anyone who enjoys cheesy horror film. Don’t let the bad acting dissuade you, or you’ll miss something remarkable. And out of TOV 5 stars, hey what the hell, I’m giving “The Telling” 4.5 stars and it’s been Valkor tested and TOV Approved!
Lolabelle - PerfectView!!!