Hey gang, Valkor here. Now, I've reviewed my share of crazy films such as ThanksKilling, Killer Pinata, Attack of the Killer Donuts and even Deadgirl, all of which are watchable fare and I'd recommend checking any or all of them out. Then I come across The Velocipastor and I think... this is it! This is the sort of crazy film I've been looking for! And then I watch it... and I have to say, it doesn't do a thing for me. It reminds me of such parody films as “Confession of an Action Star” or “Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury”. Only, it's not as funny or crazy as I thought it would be.
The Velocipastor centers on a priest named Doug (Greg Cohan), whose parents were killed right in front him in a fiery car crash right outside the church he tends; I'm not sure if its intentional or maybe the screener I got was unfinished, but there was a placement holder where a car explosion should have been. Regardless, his parents are gone and Doug is pretty bummed about it. His fellow pastor, Father Stewart (Daniel Steere), recommends Doug go on a journey of enlightenment of sorts, which takes him to China. While there, a woman is being hunted by assassins. She takes an arrow to the chest and stumbles upon Doug's location where she hands him a strange artifact that looks like a giant tooth before dying. Now the hunted, Doug stumbles and cuts himself with the artifact, passes out and wakes up back home as if the whole event was a dream. Was it? Not necessarily.
The cut that he received turns Doug into a ravenous velociraptor that needs to be fed. And on his first night out as the beast, he has a run-in with a hooker named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), who was about to get mugged. Instead, the mugger gets devoured by Dino-Doug. He suddenly awakens the next day in Carol's home, not believing in the events that happened the night before. It's only after Carol takes him back to the scene of the crime does that he begins to understand. He only fully grasps the gravity of the situation when he returns to his church to do confessions and Carol's pimp, Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pacheco De Castro) is there. Frankie confesses, very gleefully that he murdered Doug's parents. Doug's anger builds and he changes into the beast, eating Frankie. From that point on Doug becomes a hero of sorts as he'll only use his powers to eat bad guys at night while continuing to do God's work by day. However, there's a greater evil lurking in the shadows that Doug must face in the form of ninjas that he dealt with back in China. And they want that power out of Doug. Think Doug'll survive this fight? Yup! Is it worth watching? Nope! But I'm guessing just by the name, you folks might watch it anyway. Just be prepared to be plenty disappointed.
I just want to give out a shout out to Fernando Castro aka Frankie Mermaid; your character was gone too soon and should have had more screen time. Why do they call him Frankie Mermaid? Because he's swimming in bitches! That line might sound corny, but to me, it was the funniest line in the film. I don't know why it just was. Now, onto the TOV Breakdown!
The Good:
Meh!
The Bad:
The Velocipastor is one of those over-the-top, low-budget horror-comedies that's filled with plenty of goofy moments and gore; I can forgive the low-budgetness of the film - especially the raptor costume, which looks more like a weird T-Rex than anything else. But there really isn't anything funny or fun out the film. It's not as bad as ThanksKilling 3 (that was god awful), but it comes pretty close. For me, the jokes never really hit or maybe some go on longer than it should. For example, there is the scene in China, where the ninja leader and his right-hand man share in an evil chuckle that's just awkward. In any case, while the title sounds nice, the film doesn't have any substance beyond that. In short, I'm not with it.
The Ugly:
N/A
The Velocipastor is available now on digital and DVD; is it worth checking out? Absolutely not! But if you decide to give this one a try, go in with the knowledge that you might not have a good time. So, I'd give this one a hard pass! And out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving The Velocipastor a big, fat zero!
