Hey folks, Valkor here. With 2008 just about done and gone, I thought I’d sneak in a couple of film reviews, especially one that’s destined for quite possibly being one of the worst films I’ve ever laid eyes on. I’m not just talkin limburger cheese; I’m talkin limburger, stuffed in a smelly sock, soaked in cow’s piss. I’m talkin Sean William’s Scott’s latest flick “Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story”.
First off let me say, I’ve always enjoyed Sean’s work, with his first being “Dude, where’s my car?” That was surprisingly funny. I never watched the pie flicks, but Dukes of Hazzard kicked ass. But this Gary Houseman flick is just plain ass… Ass covered in fecal…. Well you get the idea.
The story of Balls Out revolves around Gary Houseman, whom also narrates his own tale of growing up with tennis in his life as a child, up until he becomes a janitor at a local high school in Nebraska to be done with tennis once and for all. However Houseman can’t hide from his past and he’s given a job as assistant coach by Coach Lew Tuttle (Randy Quaid). But when Tuttle passes away, Houseman steps into the role, and it’s now his job to keep his team in form and get them to the state finals. During all this he’ll lust over a midget, shit on the opposing team’s field, get cornholed by a hooker, and make out with Tuttle’s 15 year old daughter. No I’m not making any of this up, this really, REALLY, happens. And that’s just SOME of the shit that goes down in this flick. (Except the Cornholing, that’s more or less implied).
But let me save the majority of my disgust for the rest of this review
N/A (WOW!!!! That’s a first!!)The Bad
How about the jokes for starters? There aren’t any! And I had serious high hopes for some laughs too. There’s tons of site gags, but all are a miss with me. A lot of foreigners make jokes that Americans love fart jokes and this movie lives up to the stereotype. If piss, shit and fart jokes are what gets your giggles then this might be the film you’re after. Otherwise steer clear of this festering pile of UGH!!
You know most folks who have seen the movie Old Boy (Which I highly suggest seeing) say the scene where Oh Daesu eats a live octopus is the most disgusting scene ever. But I think Balls out does one better when he makes a smoothie and tops it off by squeezin out ball sweat from his jockeys that he just took off. People I’m not making this up!!!
I think after this review a lot of you will watch Balls Out: The Story of Gary Houseman, just to see if everything I state is true, or just out of some sick, morbid curiosity. And by all means do so, however be prepared for a steaming pile of WTF!? The acting isn’t that bad, and the story is just so-so, however the jokes…. The jokes… DEAR GOD THE AWFUL JOKES!!! Out of TOV 5 stars, I’m giving this a 2… as in number 2… and if you know your fecal humor, you will know what the number 2 symbolizes. That’s exactly what this film is. Also note that this film also goes by the name "Balls out: Gary the tennis coach"