Hey folks, Valkor here. With 2008 just about done and gone, I thought I'd sneak in a couple of film reviews, including one that's destined for quite possibly being one of the worst films I've ever laid my eyes on. I'm not just talking Limburger cheese bad. I'm talking Limburger, stuffed in a smelly sock, soaked in cow's piss bad. I'm talking about Sean Williams Scott's latest flick "Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story".
First off let me say, I've always enjoyed Sean's work, with his first being "Dude, where's my car". That was surprisingly funny! I never watched "The Pie" flicks, but I really enjoyed "The Dukes of Hazzard". But this "Gary Houseman" flick is just ass. Ass covered in fecal... Well, you get the idea.
The story of "Balls Out" revolves around Gary Houseman, whom also narrates his own tale of growing up with tennis in his life. He kicks things off as a child, moving on up until he becomes a janitor at a local high school in Nebraska, done with tennis once and for all. However, Houseman can't hide from his past and he's given a job as an assistant coach by Coach Lew Tuttle (Randy Quaid). But when Tuttle passes away, Houseman steps into the lead role, and now it's his job to keep his team in form and get them to the state finals. During all this he'll lust over a midget, shit on the opposing team's field, get cornholed by a hooker, and make out with Tuttle's 15-year-old daughter. And no I'm not making any of this up, this really, REALLY, happens. And that's just SOME of the crazy shit that goes down in this flick. (Except the Cornholing, that's more or less implied).
But let me save the majority of my disgust for the rest of this review
N/A (WOW!!!! That's a first!!)The Bad
What did I hate about "Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story"? How about the jokes for starters! There aren't any! And I had seriously high hopes for some laughs too. There are tons of site gags, but all are a miss with me. A lot of foreigners make jokes that Americans love fart jokes and this movie lives up to the stereotype. If piss, shit, and fart jokes are what gets your giggles then this might be the film you're after. Otherwise steer clear of this festering pile of UGH!!
You know most folks who have seen the movie Oldboy (Which I highly suggest seeing) say the scene where Oh Daesu eats a live octopus is the most disgusting scene ever. But I think "Balls Out" does one better when Gary makes a smoothie and tops it off by squeezing out ball sweat from his jockeys that he just took off. People, I'm not making this up!!!
I think after this review a lot of you will want watch "Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story", just to see if everything I state is true. Or out of some sick, morbid curiosity. And by all means, do so! However, be prepared for a steaming pile of WTF!? The acting isn't that bad, and the story is just so-so. And the jokes... the jokes... DEAR GOD, THE AWFUL JOKES!!! Out of TOV 5 stars, I'm giving this a 2 as in number the #2. And if you know your fecal humor, you will know exactly what I mean. Also note that this film also goes by the name "Balls out: Gary the Tennis Coach"